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Frodo Hill: Letter the Sixth - Part Two of Two (PG-13 or mild R)

Letter the Sixth, Part Two of Two

A Lady of your firm Morals and just Sense of what is Right, dear Madame, must surely believe, that our sole Concern at this Time would be to compose some Paen of Praise to the generous Master of our House. I rejoice in the Knowledge that you are animated by such high Sentiments as these, but must confess that they never once occurr'd to us. Alas! I am thus compell'd to conclude my Narration in a Way that surely will grieve and disappoint you. For as I have observ'd on many previous Occasions, I serve the Cause of Truth; and thus I cannot conceal from your Attention that we had but one Concern: to find a Way to view what transpired within the Bathing Chamber, whilst concealing this supremely rational Quest for Enlightenment from the Halflings' Attention.

Some Ladies suggested opening the Door, but that, we realized at once, would be too indiscreet. Others of a bolder Nature propos'd climbing atop the Roof and peering thro' the Skylight, but this was judge'd too dangerous, and possibly more imprudent than the other, as a Lady absorb'd in the delightful Spectacle might lose her Balance and hurtle down into the Bath atop the startl'd Halflings.

Thus at last it was determin'd that our sole Choice was the Peep-hole behind one of the Tapestries in our own Chamber. This clever Device was design'd for the Use of such Customers as felt a Desire to see the Ladies at their Baths, or perchance to observe some Couple or Group disport themselves within; it permitted the happy Watcher both to see and to hear all that pass'd. This Expedient had but one Flaw that we could see: viz., there was room at the Peep-hole for but a single Lady.

It at once became apparent that we had reach'd a Crisis in the Affairs of our little Community, for all long'd greatly for this Prize. All agreed, that to take Turns would permit only such hasty and fragmented Views as to leave us with little Idea of what transpir'd. All agreed, as well, that if one Lady were delegated to watch alone, she could easily at some future Date put Pen to Paper and commit her Observations to a Tale, as was then much the Custom among us. Only by such a Means could all the Ladies be regaled with a complete and accurate Description of the great Climax to this night's History. Yet at this Time the Ladies look'd at each other with some Dismay, for it seem'd impossible to determine, without a protracted Battle, which Lady should have the Honor and the Responsibility of viewing the Action at first Hand.

Before the Situation could degenerate into Violence, however, Seleta stepp'd forward. "I propose . . ." quoth she.

"Yourself, Madame, naturally," quoth the good-natur'd Amelia, with a rapid Flick of her Fan.

"Nay, Madame," quoth Seleta, "that might be a cause of dispute among us, tho' I know such an Eventuality would never occur to you. For your Sweetness is well known, and you have ever been to the rest of us a dazzling Light of Courtesy and good Breeding. Never in all your Days have you been known to Gossip, or to make malicious Remarks; or to abuse Another for the imagin'd Crime of enjoying a better Fortune than yourself. Nevertheless, Madame, tho' it may shock Feelings as delicate as your own, such Things have taken place on one or two Occasions in the grand Sweep of Events that is Human History. Thus to avoid any such Cause of Scandal in our own House, I propose an Expedient less obvious than myself: this Girl." And to my great Surprise, she pointed to me.

"I, Madame?" cried I, blushing profusely as the entire Company star'd in my Direction. "But how can I describe such a wonder as the Loss of the Halfling's Virginity? I am but a Girl; I have master'd only the first seventeen Positions in the Dwarvish Craft of Love, and I nearly broke my Neck doing that. And 'tis well known that not one of my Tales hath ever been rated at more than PG-13."

"Indeed," quoth Seleta, "and most irksome it hath been to read o'er a lengthy Tale with naught in the Way of a Climax at the End, whether Narrative or any other Kind. But 'tis the very Reason why you are best suited of us all. For no Lady among us can be offended by her Exclusion when the one chosen is so manifestly unsuited to the Task before her. And the Valar know," added she, looking upon me with the severe Expression that we younger Ladies so greatly dreaded, "that you need the Practice."

For some Moments the Ladies murmured among themselves as they consider'd Seleta's Plan. At last the wise Clarissa spoke. "I know not, my dear," quoth she, "that I concur entirely with your Reasons, which seem to me to be on the cynical Side. But 'tis True that this Child was the one who sav'd the Halfling's Stamp, and thus perchance she deserves some Reward for her quick Thinking and superior Coordination. And furthermore, should she by some dreadful Chance be caught, the Lovers might be the better inclin'd to forgive her, knowing, as they do, that they owe to her their Happiness. And they would know as well -- or at least they would, after some Screaming, be brought to acknowledge -- that the meddling kind of Curiosity in which she is about to indulge stems not from any moral Evil, but from the natural Stupidity of Youth."

All the Ladies at once applauded Clarissa's Argument as a Masterpiece of both Logick and Persuasion. With no further ado I was hustl'd into Position behind a heavy Tapestry in one Corner of the Room. Greatly alarm'd tho' I was at being assign'd such a Task, my Friends would not permit me to discuss the matter, for as Seleta observ'd, Time flies on Wings of Eagles, while Controversy remains mired in the Swamp of Delay. If we did not make Haste, the amorous Phenomenon we hop'd to Record for History would have come and gone.

Very shortly, then, I was ensconced upon a Cushion behind the Tapestry; the Sounds of the Ladies in our Chamber fell away, and there I remain'd, as quiet as a Mouse engag'd in some Act of Burglary. And tho' the Air behind the Tapestry was fill'd with Dust, and presented a very great Temptation to Sneeze, I struggled mightily not to succumb. Imagine, Madame, my Dismay at my delicate Situation! For I was well aware that if I should disturb the Halflings in their Amours, or for some other Reason fail to produce a complete Account of 'em, then my dear Friends, fond of me tho' they might be, would certainly cast me out Naked into the Street, and future young Ladies at that House would learn to shudder at my loath'd Name.

Yet my Fear of this dread Outcome was almost wholly lost in a greater Terror. For I confess to you, Madame, that if my own Desire to observe the Halflings were not immediately satisfied, I felt sure I should combust upon the Spot, bringing the entire House down around me in Flames.

For some Moments I blink'd, trembling with Fear and Longing, at the Peep-hole, and so great was my Distraction that I could scarce find my Bearings. In Truth it was at first most difficult to see, for the Room was lit only by Moonbeams streaming down from the Skylight, as well as by the Flames of several Banks of Candles along the Walls, many of which had gutter'd out by this Hour in the Evening. Greatly did I fear that we were too late, and that the Halflings, unable to restrain themselves after Years of Deprivation, were rolling about on the Floor in some dark Corner out of my View.

Yet as my Eyes slowly adjusted to the Light within, I saw to my extreme Surprise, that far from being lock'd in an amorous Embrace, the Halflings had taken up Positions at quite opposite Ends of the Room. The fair Frodo sat upon an unpromisingly small Seat, indeed a mere rickety wicker Dining-chair by no Means big enough for Two, and there he turn'd over the Pages of a Book that one of the Ladies had earlier left upon a Table, and to my Surprise I saw it to be the very Book that had so strangely divided our harmonious Community when Captain Faramir first knock'd upon our Door. Meanwhile Sam was busy with some Crockery in a Corner. It soon became Evident that Sam had discover'd the few small Refreshments kept in the Chamber, and was occupying himself in the Preparation of Tea: a form of Foreplay that would be frown'd upon among the Dwarves, but that perhaps was Customary among Halflings.

I could only hope that the resourceful Sam could find some Way to make do in a Bathing-Chamber as poorly appointed as ours, and wonder'd with some Concern whether the few Appurtenances of Pleasure available would contain among 'em whatever Devices the Customs of his People requir'd for the Achievement of his Purpose. For the Room was devoted solely to the Maintenance of Health and Cleanliness. Several Pools of various Sizes were fed by hot Springs from deep within the Earth: but this Convenience is one that all Readers of Literature know to be a common Thing upon Arda, which has been bless'd by the Valar with hot Springs at Intervals no greater than fifty Paces apart. Yet most fortunate was the Generosity of the Valar in our Case, for we had few other supplies besides Water for the Comfort of Bathers, unless it were our Array of Scented Soaps, exotic Balms, soothing Lotions, and aromatic Oils.

Nor was there aught in the Room to recall the Mind to a Project of Pleasure: for the marble Columns upholding the Roof flower'd in erotic Carvings only at their very Tops. Even the Walls were Sombre, for their Frescoes dwelt upon historical Themes of the gravest Nature: viz., Túrin surpris'd by Beleg in his Bath; Beren at his Ease in a Bower, toying with the nether Curls of a blushing Thingol; and Durin, mighty Father of the Dwarves, in that supreme Moment when he discover'd Position Twenty-three in the Craft of Love.

Yet in the scant Light I have mention'd, even such tedious Pictures as these could scarce be discern'd, save when the flickering Light of the Candles chanced to expose a naked Limb here, a heaving Breast there; here an Eye just fluttering clos'd, there a Mouth parted in a silent Moan of Desire.

Nor, in the midst of this dismal Plainness, did we possess a convenient Place where the Bathers might Rest after their heated Immersion, unless it were upon one of the broad Couches along the Walls. Moreover these Couches were hardly conducive to the Indulgences of the Voluptuary, for each was strewn with the most ordinary Covers of embroider'd burgundy Velvet, trimm'd with gauzy Curtains in a matching Shade, and over-hung with Mirrors fram'd in very little Gilt indeed. And should a frail Seeker of Health be fainting with the Need for an immediate Treatment, he would find, within these plush Cocoons of Velvet and Silk, scarce five or six Pillows upon which he might be brac'd, to permit his Medicine more effectually to Penetrate the innermost Depths of his Being.

It was, perchance, the severe Austerity of these Surroundings that caus'd the fair Halfling to focus with such Intensity upon his Book, and that caus'd Sam, too, to prepare the Tea as if his very Life depended upon its Perfection. At length he carried to his Master a Tray laden with Teapot, Cups, and a Platter of Muffins, Butter, and Jam; he then set down the Tray, pour'd out the Tea, and drew up another wicker Chair to join the fairest Creature that ever walked under the Stars, yet with all the seeming polite Distance of one visiting a maiden Aunt.

At that Time I fear'd Mr. Peters' ingenious Plan had fail'd of its Intent: for in making the Halflings believe they were compell'd to come to the Point at last, he had perhaps converted the Act of Love from a Delight to a Chore, and all the Kisses they had exchang'd to this Point might very well go for naught, so great was their Dread of the tiresome Task that lay ahead. And while they might deign at length to do as they had been told, I suspected they would display all the Enthusiasm of a Gentleman who has been ask'd by his Lady to perform some trivial Task, such as taking the Dog for a Walk, or picking up Things left upon the Floor.

Then, too, dear Madame, another sad Truth may lie at the Heart of this Mystery. 'Tis one Thing to kiss in a publick Place, where Propriety forbids any Act more advanc'd than some slight Writhing. 'Tis quite another to kiss where naught is forbidden whatever. For when all external Constraint is gone, both Parties must face whatever Constraint lies within their Hearts; and in the Case of the fair Halfling, those Shackles of the Soul could not but have been very strong. When a Prisoner's Cell Door is flung open at last, and he feels for the first time in Years the Light of the Sun upon his Face, he may well discover, when it comes to the Point, that he has liv'd in the Dark for so long that he fears to leave it.

Yet Love is the Key that will unlock even such a Prison as this. Thus Hope stirr'd in my Heart when Sam paus'd with his Teacup in his Hand, and look'd at his Master with a peculiarly earnest Expression. I felt sure that at any Moment he would break into some poetical Effusion revealing the innermost Sentiments of his Heart; and sure enough, he open'd his Lips to speak.

"Sugar?" quoth he.

"No, thank you," quoth the fair Halfling, without looking up from his Book.

A brief Silence ensued.

"Cream?" quoth Sam.

"Samwise," quoth the fair Halfling, slamming shut his Book, "I do not, as you know perfectly well, take either Sugar or Cream in my Tea." With that he siez'd a Muffin, split it in two, and commenc'd spreading it with Butter.

"Thought you might like to try some, Sir," quoth Sam, "seeing as how we're not in a marsh for once, or lost in the mountains, or bobbing along for days in a boat as wasn't meant to carry decent folk."

"I fail to understand," quoth the Halfling, "why a Change of Locale should bring about a miraculous Transformation in my personal Tastes. I do not take Sugar or Cream; I have never taken Sugar or Cream. I would have thought that so fix'd a Preference would be clear to a Hobbit of an Intelligence as great as your own. You have had many Opportunities to observe it. We have been on this Journey together for some five Months; before that, you were in and out of my Hole several Times a Day."

Somewhat in that last Remark seem'd to distress both Halflings, for Sam clear'd his Throat and look'd down, whilst the fair Frodo proceeded to rip his butter'd Muffin into small Pieces not much larger than Crumbs, and to push them about on his Plate.

Sam took a Sip of Tea before responding; then he look'd up, a slight Smile playing about his Lips and sparkling in his Eyes. "Sir," quoth he, "I don't see as how that muffin has done you any harm."

At this his lovely Companion made a Sound somewhere between a Choke and a Laugh. "It is the innocent Victim of my Foolishness," he declar'd. "My dear Sam, I would not know a Muffin from Horse-shoe at this Point."

Sam made as if to reach across the Table with his Hand, but tho' his Master look'd not wholly Averse to this Proffer of Peace, for the Moment he continu'd to look down. Sam thus contented himself for the Moment with a vague Pat upon the other's right Cuff, and then turn'd to more practical Matters. "Well you can't eat a Horse-shoe," quoth he, serving his Master a fresh Muffin atop the gor'd Remains of its Predecessor.

"No more can I eat this Muffin, I believe."

"Sir!" exclaim'd Sam, plainly shock'd, "don't you take on so! Those Elvish biscuits do keep us on our feet, but these ladies have given us the first proper food we've seen in weeks." Thus urg'd, the fair Halfling slowly began spreading Butter upon the Muffin, tho' 'twas plain, from the frequent Glances he cast in Sam's Direction, that no Butter had ever held less Interest for its Possessor in the entire History of Gastronomic Science.

Yet another Silence ensued, broken only when the fair Halfling inadvertently slurp'd at his Tea, and hastily mutter'd an Apology for this Breach of Decorum: he then apologiz'd for the Apology, then apologiz'd once more; and at last declar'd with some Frustration that he had no Notion of what he meant.

"That's fine, Sir," quoth Sam vaguely. Clearly casting about for some neutral Subject, he gestur'd toward the Book. "What have you been reading, then?"

"This Book?" inquir'd the Halfling with a Blush. "It is -- I scarce know what to call it: 'tis in Dwarvish, and 'tis some Sort of a Book of Instruction."

"Metalworking, then?" ask'd Sam. "Mining?"

"Neither," quoth the Halfling; "'tis a Subject more suitable to the Profession of the Ladies who reside in this House; 'tho I must confess" -- and here he paus'd, as if he knew not quite how to phrase his next Observation -- "I confess, that I am not sure whether 'tis a book of idle Tales after all, for -- well -- " He paus'd once more, open'd the Book to a Place he had previously marked, and then frown'd upon the Page with some degree of Puzzlement. "This Illustration," continued he, "makes me suspect the Book to be Fiction after all; for I know not how it is that the Gentlemen concern'd could maintain such a Position, at least for any considerable Length of Time."

Sam obligingly mov'd his Chair just behind his Master's so he could peer over his Shoulder and consult upon this most important Matter; the fair Halfling sigh'd, and lean'd back a few Inches to permit Sam a better View of the Page, tho' this Change in Position forc'd him to submit to the tragic Necessity of leaning against Sam's sturdy Chest.

"Let's see, then," quoth Sam.

"See what?" inquir'd his Master, perchance somewhat distracted by the Fact that Sam's Breath stirr'd against his Curls.

"This picture of yours," quoth Sam. "Ah, well, then," added he, when the fair Halfling silently held the Book up for his Perusal, in Hands that for some Reason shook slightly. "There's your problem, Sir; it's upside-down." And to illustrate this difficult Concept, Sam reach'd around his Master and turn'd the Book end over end, a Motion that, apparently, exhausted him so greatly that he found it essential to rest his Arms about his Master, rather than expend the Effort of returning to his previous, more distant Position.

At first the fair Halfling responded to this Change in his Circumstance by doing no more than make a soft Sound of Contentment, while leaning back into the Embrace.

Yet this promising Intimacy ceas'd abruptly when the fair Halfling jerk'd forward with a Start, as if he had suddenly recollected some previous Appointment of the greatest Urgency. "Upside-down?" quoth he. "My dear Sam! How is't you know?"

Sam clear'd his throat. "Well," quoth he, "I've heard the lads talk."

In answer the fair Halfling merely turn'd and look'd him in the Eye; a Condition Sam could endure for perhaps an entire Second before he look'd down with ev'ry Evidence of Confusion. "Also," quoth he, seemingly addressing his own Shirt-buttons, "I've met a dwarf or two, passing through the Shire in the way of Business. And I got to know them a bit, if you take my meaning."

"I am not sure," quoth the fair Halfling, "that I do."

The Silence that fell after this icy Rejoinder was so ominous, that I felt only some Hero of Legend might dare Break it.

"We've --" quoth Sam, licking at his Lips and allowing his Eyes to dart up for one nervous Moment to meet his Master's gaze, "we've -- that is, some dwarves and I, have had a bit of conversation, now and again . . ."

"During which, it seems, they found Occasion to explain the intricacies of this Position, one which assumes all Four of the Participants to possess the Flexibility of the giant Squid rumour'd to inhabit the uttermost Depths of Ulmo's Kingdom."

"Well, Sir, it's true that some of the Dwarves are quite flexible, leastways when they've been going at it for a while . . ."

"And this," demanded the Halfling, "is known to you how?"

Sam squirm'd most miserably in his Chair, but fac'd with a direct Question such as this, he could plainly think of nothing to say but the Truth. "Sir," quoth he, "I got to know them, 'tis true, though it weren't nothing but a bit of play now and again, and practice . . ."

"Practice!" exclaim'd the fair Halfling. "Practice! Practice for what? Was there, perchance, some Competition in this Sort of Thing at the Tuckborough Fair, a Competition of which I was for Years somehow kept unaware, and doubtless offer'd between the three-legged Race and the Award for the prize Pig?"

"Practice, Sir, for . . ."

But the fair Halfling seem'd deaf to all Attempts at Comfort. "Perchance," quoth he, "since I cannot pretend to be as skill'd in the Arts of Love as these Dwarves you seem so fond of, we should declare our Contract null and void, and I should surrender myself to that foul Attorney. For my Respect for your Wishes is such, that gladly will I enter a Life of Slavery, so as not to disturb you and your Dwarvish Friends in your Practice."

"Mr. Frodo --" quoth Sam, endeavouring to soothe the agitated Halfling by rubbing his Shoulders. But tho' the fair Frodo suffer'd this Familiarity, he seem'd as pliant beneath the Touch as a particularly obdurate Boulder. Without giving Sam an Opportunity to finish his Remarks, he whirl'd back to the Table and commenc'd riffling thro' the Pages of the Book, showing no Regard for its Status as a valuable Rarity.

"I only ask," cried he, with a Glare over his Shoulder that might have made an Orc-chieftan quiver in Terror, "that you take this Occasion of our otherwise unpleasant Proximity to advise me as a Friend, as to how I should comport myself when once I am at the Attorney's mercy; for it is my Understanding that some Acts of Love -- this, one, for Example -- " (and here the fair Halfling gestur'd wildly toward one of the Book's Illustrations that he had previously mark'd) " -- may be accompanied by some Pain; and while I hope that you do not, by this Time in our Journey, question either my Courage or my Endurance, I am not such a Glutton for Agony as to seek it on Purpose when it might by some Expedient be reduc'd, and thus -- " (and here the Halfling paus'd to gasp for Breath; and in Truth his Sentence had grown to such an inordinate Length, that I wonder'd greatly, Madame, whether it would end before Dawn) " -- and thus -- " (continu'd he, once his Lungs had been refresh'd with some life-giving Air) " -- and thus -- oh, Sam . . ." (and abruptly the Anger drain'd from his Face, to be replac'd by something that look'd very like pure Misery) " -- oh Sam," murmur'd he, slumping back in his Chair once more, and burying his Head in his Hands, "Practice? Practice for what? Sam, how could you?"

If such a Question is ask'd by a Lover striding angrily out the Door, it requires no Answer. If it is ask'd by a Lover throwing Crockery from across the Room, an Answer must be deferr'd until one has found a Place of Safety. But if ask'd, as it was in this Case, by Lover who has somehow fail'd to notice that he still is leaning against your Chest, it requires the very best Answer that you can give, and this Sam proceeded to do: that is, he took a deep Breath, and wrapp'd his Arms gently but firmly around the fair Halfling, and spoke.

"Practice," quoth he, "for you."

The Silence following this Remark stretch'd for so long, that I wonder'd if the fair Halfling had heard what Sam had said. Yet eventually he spoke, tho' in that cautious Tone of one who wishes to hear a full Explanation, lest he commit himself too hastily to so rash an Action as flinging himself into his Lover's Arms. "For me?" quoth he.

"Aye, Sir, for you," quoth Sam. "For you, for when you were ready. Though I'd almost stopped thinking you would be. And mayhap all these years I've been a fool and a ninnyhammer like my Gaffer's always said, but I thought . . . I always wanted, since as long as I can remember . . . well, it was plain foolishness, like wanting the sun and the stars. But, well, there ain't no harm in being prepar'd."

For some Time after this Speech naught could be heard but the gentle Musick of Water swirling thro' the Baths. But tho' the Halfling said not a Word, he did speak: speak with his Shoulders, which relax'd against his Lover; speak with his Lips, which parted in a Sigh; speak with his Eyes, which turn'd to look Sideways at Sam; and speak, at last, with somewhat that glisten'd upon his Cheek, which Sam wip'd gently away with one Finger.

"Oh, Sam," quoth the Halfling at length. "I am so sorry. It is a Wonder surpassing all the Legends of the Elves, that I manag'd to travel from Hobbiton to this Place without mishap, burden'd as I am with a Brain that would seem uncommonly small if lodg'd in the Skull of a Goldfinch."

In answer Sam merely hugg'd him closer, as Frodo took one of the rough Hands that rested on his Shoulder and twin'd the Fingers thro' his own. "Oh, Sam," quoth he, "I --" and then he turn'd his Head, and murmur'd some Words into Sam's Ear too low for me to catch.

"Aye, Sir, I know," quoth Sam. "And I you."

"I don't see why you do," quoth Frodo, "when for two-and-thirty Years, I have been as great a Fool as ever liv'd upon Middle-earth."

"No, Sir," quoth Sam, "that would be your cousin Lotho."

I do hope, Madame, that it will not Destroy your Idea of the Saviour of Middle-earth, who now is remember'd with such Reverence as to make him a Figure of Legend full as Remote as Beren or Eärendil, if I tell you that at this Time he fell back into his Lover's Arms, and laugh'd like a mere Youth.

For some Moments they were given over wholly to this Merriment, yet 'twas a Merriment which was still, I thought, shadow'd by a Hint of Shyness, stemming from their mutual Understanding that they had yet some Business to complete. At length they subsided, and Frodo chanc'd to cast his Eyes upon the Volume which had brought so much Difficulty upon their Heads; a Book which, furthermore, by its very Nature must recall to their Minds the Terms of the awkward Contract that had brought them to this Room. Yet rather than seek some Diversion, the fair Halfling boldly rais'd the Book once more, and look'd upon the Illustration, tilting his Head this way and that to obtain a more comprehensive View.

"'Tis a most intriguing Picture," quoth he, after a Time, "whatever way you look at it."

"That it is, Mr. Frodo," Sam agreed.

"I expect," quoth the fair Halfling, "that like all Things, the Act it depicts would become somewhat easier with Practice."

"That it does, Mr. Frodo," quoth Sam, and he clos'd one Hand about his Master's, no doubt so as to be prepar'd to assist him when the Time came to turn the Page.

"To which of these Gentlemen," the Halfling inquired, "do you suppose that Foot belongs?"

"It's that second fellow from the bottom, I'll warrant," quoth Sam, "the one with his knees by his ears, so as one of the fellows atop him can get a good hard thrust in, while the other one takes him into his mouth."

This matter of Fact Explanation for some Reason made the fair Halfling shiver and swallow quite hard: and perchance because he tir'd of this Lesson, the Book fell loudly to the Table as he brought Sam's Hand to his Lips and kiss'd each Knuckle one by one. This Action, which could hardly be interpreted by even the most Diffident as a Sign of Indifference, seem'd to encourage Sam greatly, for he tighten'd his other Arm about his Master, a Position which thrust his Face into Frodo's Hair. For a moment he sigh'd into this soft Mass of dark Silk, but then he drew back to blow one Curl away, revealing a perfect Ear: all soft involuted ivory Whorls to explore with Lips and Tongue, and delicate Point to nip gently with his Teeth.

For some Moments the fair Frodo could do nothing but Sigh and shift restlessly in his Lover's Arms, tilting his Head back until it rested on Sam's Shoulder behind him. From my Angle I could see his lovely Profile, Lips parted in a soft Moan, and the elegant Curve of a Neck now Exposed to Sam's increasingly greedy Kisses. Soon the brown-gold curls of Sam's Head cover'd his Master's Neck completely, until Frodo's Moans hitch'd abruptly to a Cry, and he buck'd and toss'd back his Head under some Stimulus I could not quite see. "Sorry, Sir" quoth Sam, somewhat at a Loss for Breath, "that was too hard."

"Oh, not at all, I assure you," quoth Frodo, and with a Gasp he suddenly rais'd his Head and twisted in his Chair to face his Lover at last; and oh, Madame, never have I seen a Being more plainly ready for Love: his Eyes glow'd dark in his flush'd Face; his Lips curv'd gently upward in a Smile of Wonder; his Breath came fast, his Collar hung open to reveal a Neck mark'd with fresh Kisses. He reach'd over the Back of his Chair to frame Sam's Head in both his Hands; his Expression changed from Wonder to something like pure Intensity, and without further Ado he lean'd in and kiss'd him with a Fierceness that surpris'd me, as if he were consum'd with a Hunger that could be satisfied by nothing but Sam's Mouth.

So great was his Enthusiasm for the Task before him that several important Facts slipp'd his Mind: viz., the Fragility of the Chairs upon which they sat, and the Laws of Physics, for as he reached round Sam's Back to clasp him more closely, his own Chair tipped over into Sam's Lap, and so preoccupied was Sam that he could not prevent both Chairs from tumbling over backwards, spilling both their Occupants to the Floor in a Tangle of flailing Limbs.

When once the two Halflings sorted themselves out to some Degree, Frodo was straddling Sam's Hips and leaning over him, his dark Curls swinging over his Face. "Sam," he exclaim'd, "I am so very sorry!"

"Why?" inquired Sam. "We had to get out of those chairs sooner or later."

"But you might have been hurt . . ."

At this Evidence of Concern for his Health and Safety, Sam only smiled up at his Master. "Frodo," quoth he, "come here."

"Oh Sam," quoth the fair Halfling. "My dearest, dearest Sam. Yes I say yes I will yes." (1)

____________________

At this Time, my dear Madame, you may well expect the Account of that evening's great Events that hath long since been publish'd in Minas Tirith under my Name. For tho' I had so little expected to be the Lady chosen to give to the World the Tale of the Halflings' Amours, 'twas that Tale's Fame, and the great Applause it brought me, that made my Fortune. Indeed that Tale shall, I deem, outlive any other I wrote thereafter, saving, perchance, my Account in seven Volumes of the Amours of Manwe and Morgoth; an Account thought by some to be a very great Scandal, but that was, I must protest, the purest Effusion of religious Sentiment and Love of Truth.

'Tis that same Love of Truth that makes me confess to you to you now, dear Child, a most dreadful Secret, one that, in all the great Gulf of Years that lieth between that Time and this, hath been known to but one other Person. With Shame and Tears I must abase myself before the stern Goddess of Biography! For my celebrated Narration of the Halfling's Amours, with its steaming Baths and savory Oils, with its leather Collars and restraining Straps, with its Trampoline, Trapeze, and Rubber Tarp; with its unlook'd-for Orgy amongst some three or four of the fair Halfling's Cousins, a passing Badger, and several other odd Creatures that happen'd to be present; with its great final Cry of The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming! -- Alas!

'Twas all, 'twas all, ('tho I blush to say it) a Fiction!

-- A Fiction moreover so very distant from the Truth, that here, in a Narration so scrupulously Accurate that its very Misspellings must tremble in Fear, I must forebear from relating one Word of such egregious Falsehoods.

Doubtless a Lady of your natural Ingenuousness will wonder greatly that such a String of Lies as then I wrote should become the Toast of Minas Tirith. Yet to any Person well acquainted with the Ways of the World, it will not seem strange that the greatest of Honors should rest upon a Base so airy and insubstantial. Indeed, in any Account of the warmer Passions, a Fiction -- nay, even a Fiction as distant from Truth as the Earth from the Stars -- will to the generality of Mankind prove infinitely more pleasing than Reality.

And such would have been the case with my own Tale, or so I fear'd at that Moment in my early Youth. For Truth now compels me to declare, that the Halflings' Acts of Love on that Night illustrated in ev'ry Point the wisest Maxim in the Dwarvish Craft of Love. For lo! When Durin, mighty Father of the Dwarves, first rose from his long Sleep to look upon the World's Beauty, he spake in a voice of Thunder: The first Time, quoth he, shall never be any good, and indeed shall rarely be accomplish'd without grave Injury to one or both Parties.

Hence a true Account of the evening's events could not but Disappoint its Readers most severely. Indeed, such a plain Narration might make some among my fair Readers suppose that I brought before 'em that most Noxious Serpent in the Garden of Literature, that loathsome Parasite upon the fainting Form of Art, viz., a deliberate Parody.

Like any other Lady of pure and virtuous Mind, I shrank at that Time before the Spectre of such a dreadful Charge.

And yet one other, and greater, Consideration urg'd me to resort to the Expedient of deliberate Imposture. 'Twas this: the Love of the Halflings was, tho' so Clumsy as to be matter for Laughter, yet also so Tender as to be matter for Tears. And upon my Heart, Madame, this Sight could not but make the greatest Impression. I was at that Time quite alone in the World, having been left by the Fortunes of War with naught but a Memory of my Family and all my former Joy in 'em. Since by the Blessings of the Valar you are a Stranger to such Loneliness, my dear Child, its Consequences may puzzle you greatly. But 'tis a strange Quality of the Human Heart, that those who have known Love and lost it will never again suppose that Love is Thing to be trifl'd with. As one too well-acquainted with Grief, I could not, when it came to the Point, turn a Fellow Creature's few Moments of Happiness into a Toy for the Amusement of the Idle.

Thus I resolv'd never to reveal to a Sneering and Indifferent World such a private Scene, in which the greatest Awkwardness and the greatest Tenderness were so inextricably mix'd.

Yet I was young, and in despite of this admirable Resolution, I had still to consider the Pleas of my Friends and the Precariousness of my Financial Situation. Thus when the Time came to commit this History to Paper, I did so indeed, or so it seem'd. But I submitted to my dear Friends naught but a harmless Concoction of pretty Words, taken variously from my own Fancies, the more curious Chapters of the Dwarvish Craft of Love, some few half-remembered Passages of other Ladies' Tales, and the Poesie recited to me one Day in the Street by a wandr'ing Orcish Bard. And such was the State of Taste in Minas Tirith, that this Literary Farrago seem'd to the thoughtless World a Masterpiece of Fine Writing. Greatly was it praised, tho' it contain'd no more of Truth, than the Vows of a faithless Lover, or the Excuses of a dilatory Student, or the Patriotic Effusions of any Sort of Politician.

Yet tho' the World be thoughtless, not all within it are thus. The sweet Amelia call'd my Work a pretty little Tale, and opin'd, that after some ten or twelve Years had pass'd, I might produce a Work that would do Credit to our House. The wise Clarissa, for her part, declar'd that while the Tale was perhaps not quite in all Places strictly consonant with the Dictates of Reason, it shone forth before the World as a bright Example of the Influence of True Love.

As for Seleta, she read the Tale over before permitting me to show it to the other Ladies. Naught said she, save to amend my Spelling in one or two Places, and to point out one Passage, where the Position of the Lovers would have requir'd the Nether Partner to break his Neck. After correcting this and some other small Violations of Probability and Physical Law, she suffer'd the Manuscript to leave her hands at last, and gave me a most curious Look.

"Madame," quoth I, "I hope I have not betray'd your Trust."

"Nay," quoth she, "you have done just as I wish'd, and betray'd no Trust at all."

Tho' this Lady was much inclin'd to veil her true Sentiments, I thought I caught her meaning. "Madame," quoth I, "thank you! I am indeed glad that you liked it."

Wherewith she smil'd, and kiss'd me upon the Forehead. "My dearest Girl," quoth she, whilst I strove to conceal my Blushes, "this Thing could not have been better done, had I done it myself."

And with that Approbation, dear Madame, I was well Content.

As for the fair Halfling, when in after Days my Bit of Nonsense made its way into his Hands, I am credibly informed that he laugh'd so hard that he fell quite out of his Chair.

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Thus I shall return to my Tale, in that Place where both my Love of Truth, and my Respect for the Halflings' fondest and most secret Memories, may at last meet and kiss as Friends. Tho' after such a rapturous Union as they then enjoy'd, my dear Madame, there can be very little of my Tale to tell, save to mention the Fates of the primary Characters.

'Tis true that Captain Faramir suffer'd a Wound to his Feelings upon being rejected by the fair Halfling. In such a sad Circumstance, some Ladies of a romantick Disposition might think it only fitting that he should die of a broken Heart, perhaps after Pining in an interesting Way for a number of agonizing Months. But Madame, were you to encounter such an Assertion in a Tale, you would rightly conclude it to be naught by an idle Fancy. For surely you have glimps'd in the Streets of Minas Tirith our gallant Prince Faramir with his belov'd Master, on those rare festive Occasions when they might be spar'd from the Hurry of Business in his Master's Kingdom.

For the Dawn of Love we observ'd between the Captain and the beauteous Youth has long since flar'd into a broad Noon Day of Happiness. Astonishing tho' it may seem, they learn'd to forget their Passion for the fair Halfling. I purposely abstain from Dates on this Occasion, aware that the Cure of Unconquerable Passions, and the Transfer of unchanging Attachments, must vary much as to Time in different People. I only entreat you to believe, dear Madame, that exactly at the Time when it was quite natural that it should be so, and not a Week earlier, Captain Faramir and the beauteous Youth did cease to love the fair Halfling, and began to regard each other with the greatest Interest. (2)

Thus the Virtue of these excellent Men found its Reward in a Lifetime of Joy. And tho' many in Minas Tirith felt some Unease when the happy Pair settl'd in such a distant Country, yet our Fears for the Captain's Happiness prov'd groundless. For so delighted was the royal Family of Harad by the Goodness of the Captain's Heart, and by his great Love for their favorite Son, that they came to cherish the Captain almost as one of their Own. Indeed, so greatly did they esteem him, that after some dozen Years or so had pass'd, they affected not to Notice, or only once or twice in a Month, his barbarous Manners and his quaint Appearance.

And'tis no Secret, Madame, how -- once these first few trivial Difficulties pass'd into the Mists of Time -- this Union hath endur'd thro' the Years, and how much it hath encourag'd the Friendship of those two great Kingdoms of Men, Gondor and Harad.

As for the fair Halfling, he and his Sam left us the next Day. It had been their Purpose to leave at Dawn, but so weary were they after the protracted Labours of their Bath, that they did not even Rise until two o'clock in the Afternoon. Yet so rosy and refresh'd did they then appear, that not even Captain Faramir had the heart to berate them for their Tardiness.

With great Sorrow did we see them go, and we eas'd the Pain of our Parting by presenting them with many Gifts.

By the wise Clarissa, the fair Halfling was given a Book of her own composing, a summary Version of the great Elvish Legends. For it would be a great Shame, quoth she, if a Hero -- for such the fair Halfling plainly was -- should be as Ignorant of History as a particularly unsophisticated Duck.

By the kind-hearted Amelia, Sam was given an extraordinary Bottle of Elvish make, one strangely Light and easy to carry. It had, quoth she, the wondrous Power of remaining whole if suddenly jostl'd or dropp'd. Such a Bottle, which she term'd p'lastique, would be most useful for transporting valuable Products over long Distances, tho' in this Case it contain'd nothing more precious than Lavender-Oil. And what Use the Halflings might have for such a Gift, they alone knew, tho' Sam thank'd Amelia for it most profusely.

By Seleta the Halflings were given a detail'd Map of Mordor: for she had surmis'd, quoth she (with a sharp Look at a glittering Trinket round the fair Halfling's Neck), that they might need it. She also presented them with a crystal Phial containing some glowing Liquid.

"Let this be," cried she, "a Light unto you in dark Places, when all other Lights go out!" The fair Halfling protested that he already possess'd such a Thing, and held forth as Proof some pretty sparkling Toy he had been given by the Elves. But Seleta declar'd that the two Phials could not be more different. For the Elvish Phial contain'd but the Light of Eärendil, while hers, which she begg'd them to keep close at Hand, contain'd somewhat far more essential to a Traveller in dangerous Country: viz., a powerful Insect-Repellent. This Gift the fair Frodo accepted with much Gratitude, for there was Nothing, he said with a Shudder, that he lik'd less than the multi-legged Vermin said to infest the Mountains in our Neighborhood, unless it were his cousin Lotho.

With many Tears on our Side, and many Thanks on theirs, they departed on their dangerous Quest, and our Hearts could find Relief from the Agony of Separation only by discussing the Halflings in exhaustive Detail the Moment they left the Room.

All the Ladies agreed that they were astonish'd by the working out of Ulmo's Curse. Yet some among us doubted that the prophecy of the Pool was entirely correct. "I must confess," quoth one of the younger Ladies, "that I do not understand how the exact Words of the Wishes might be fulfill'd: for Sam's Words requir'd, that they should be married and have many Children. Such a Series of Events would seem debarr'd to two Halflings who share, among so much else, a common Gender."

"As to that, Madame," cried another, "the Law, which hitherto has not been much of a Friend to Love, is fast keeping Pace with the needs of the Heart. For I have read that in the enlighten'd confines of Northern Mirkwood, it is now possible for two Gentlemen or Ladies to obtain, if not a Marriage, a Domestic Partnership."

"'Tis true indeed," quoth a third, "and this Arrangement would most happily entitle Sam to receive a full three-quarters of the fair Halfling's Pension, in the event of his sudden Dismemberment or Death, either Eventuality of which seems quite likely to transpire, given the many Dangers of their present wandering Way of Life."

"Yet I cannot but wonder," quoth a fourth, "whether such an Advance in the Law would be honour'd in more barbarous Countries."

"Indeed it would, Madame," quoth a fifth. "For only last Year, the supreme Council of the Rohirrim hath establish'd that any Rider may enter into a similar Partnership with his Horse."

"But even in such a Case," quoth a sixth, "how in the Name of all the Valar could they have Children?"

"Ladies! Ladies!" cried Seleta. "The Valar will do as they will; and Love will always find a Way. Never in all my Days have I heard such a pedantic quibbling Insistence upon the minutest Implications of Language! One would think, from the Nature of your Remarks, that I had fall'n into the Hands of the Enemy, and that as a Torment before my Demise I was forc'd to endure the Presence of a vile Company of Attorneys."

At this Remark several Ladies burst into Tears, and Seleta was forc'd to apologize. In Truth it was only the Passage of many Years that brought to us the surprising News that elucidated this Mystery. (3)

Regardless of our Wonder, the Happiness of the Halflings has continued to this Day. Many ignorant Persons believe that the fair Halfling left Middle-earth to go over the Sea. But I need not remind you, Madame, that this Tale is an utter Fiction. All such Rumours were put about by the Halflings themselves after the glorious Completion of their Quest, for the Purpose of discouraging the Intrusions of impertinent Autograph-Seekers. For tho' the Elves have promis'd them a Place in the last Ship to Valinor, there is no Reason for two Creatures as happy as they to depart a World that has brought them so much Joy.

My Tale is now done, and I hope, dear Madame, that it has answer'd all your Questions: most particularly the one you ask'd so many Months ago. Is't true, you inquir'd, that my Gaffer was as Hot as Rumour now declares? Yes, my dearest Girl: your Gaffer Frodo was the fairest Creature I ever beheld. I never hope to see his Like again, tho' a sweet Echo of his Loveliness lives on in your Eyes, and in your dear Mother's.

And when your Studies are complete next Year, it is my Hope, dear Child, that you and your Mother may complete your long-plann'd Visit to the green Country of her Birth. There, in a little Place call'd Crickhollow, you may arrive on some not too distant Evening to see for yourself the incomparable Originals of the happy Pair I have here depicted. As you open the Gate of a Garden whose Flowers fill the night Air with Sweetness, Sam perchance will emerge from the House and laugh with Joy to see the Wanderers return'd. And when Sam calls within, the fair Halfling himself will come forth, his Beauty chang'd but not dimm'd by Time. He will take you and your Mother in his Arms, and ask after his old Friends in Gondor. There will be a warm Light within the House, and a Tea-Kettle singing over the Hearth; and the fair Halfling will welcome you Home at last.

Until that Time, dear Madame, I shall be happy to oblige both you and your dear Mother in any Way that will make your stay among us a happier one. For I remain, as ever, your most obedient humble Servant,

Maria-Susannah

§ § §

The Letters are complete.

§ § §

Notes

1. The profound and continuing influence of the Red Book upon Western literature may be seen in this passage, which has since been adapted by James Joyce for the final line of his great (if wholly incomprehensible) novel Ulysses. How Joyce obtained a copy of the Red Book has been a matter of considerable scholarly debate. While Pootwattle's theory of a German translation is superficially attractive, in my forthcoming article, "Molly Bloom is Big With Seed: the Entish Influence on Early Modernism" (forthcoming in the Fall 2008 edition of Spurts: A Journal of Ecology and Literature), I shall argue that both Joyce and Proust had access to a French translation of an Entish adaptation of the Red Book -- an influence which may account for the length of some of their sentences, which are quite lengthy for English or French but relatively pithy for Entish. Back to story

2. Readers of Jane Austen will of course realize that she adapted much of this paragraph for the ending of Mansfield Park. Back to story.

3. At this point Maria-Susannah's manuscript is much damaged by what looks like a wine-stain. As near as I have been able to decipher the text -- and I hasten to say that I may be completely wrong -- the next few sentences read as follows:

"I need not elaborate upon this Aspect of Ulmo's Curse, Madame, for one as closely connected to these Events as yourself; for the Secret of the fair Halfling's large Family has been so well preserv'd that I hesitate to mention it openly even in a private Letter such as this. Yet I cannot refrain from including one amusing Anecdote of the Family's History: 'tis said that Sam obtain'd his Nickname of Samwise the Brave not during his Quest as is commonly suppos'd, but during his Confinement, upon his return Home, to the Bed of Childbirth some thirteen Times."

I include this extraordinary (but highly dubious) assertion for the sake of its possible scholarly interest. Only the further progress of my researches, preferably with another translation of the Red Book, will determine whether it is apocryphal. I personally think it more likely that Sam and Frodo's children were the result of an arrangement with two somewhat formidable female Brandybuck cousins who for more than seventy years lived as a couple in a rigorously well-kept cottage in the Marish. Back to the story.

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