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Frodo Hill: Letter the Fifth (Post two of two)

The second Post of the Fifth Letter, continued from the first Post of the Fifth Letter; posted in this odd dismember'd State to comply with the odd Requirements of the Live Journal Site

As we sadly return'd to our Bower to bemoan this dread Transaction, only the Goat remain'd in any sort of Spirits, for its Dip in the Pool had greatly refresh'd it. To our Distress it seem'd to sense Nothing of our Gloom, but gamboll'd cheerfully at the Halfing's Side. As it was quite wet through, this Action scatter'd drops of Water upon the Ladies' Dresses, as well as on those few small Scraps of Silk and Cloth-of-Gold wherewith we enliv'd the Poverty of our dismal Surroundings. After the most strenuous Protests from several Ladies, the Goat at length suffer'd itself to be led to a dry Place before the Fire. There the Halfling, as if in Apology for the dubious Part he had perform'd by the Bath, fed it Lumps of Sugar, and pour'd for this discerning Creature a Glass of our best Brandy, not without pouring yet another for his own Use in this Time of Trial.

"Alas!" cried Amelia, gazing upon this wholesome Picture, "if only there were some effectual Means, by which the Halfling's Innocency might be preserv'd!"

"Madame," quoth another Lady from the Back of the Room, "while I applaud your charitable Sentiments, I cannot entirely share them. For our gallant Captain is the very Heart and Soul of the Nation, and one who hath moreover stood for some Time as the sole Bulwark between the us and the Forces of Darkness. And were his Courage at any Time to fail, doubtless the Enemy would be held at Bay by his Beauty alone; for so hot is he, that at his ev'ry Step the very Cobblestones beneath his Feet must sigh with Pleasure. In a Circumstance such as this, I must confess, I cannot see what any rational Creature would find repellent in his Embraces."

"Madame," quoth Amelia gravely, "I hope you do not propose, that the Halfling should forsake the Love of his Life, merely on Account of a Beauty that would make the Earth move, and would awaken amorous Sentiments in a Block of Ice?"

"But Madame -- "

"Dear Ladies!" the Halfling exclaim'd. "Prithee do not quarrel on my Account. I should hate to see the Peace of so amiable and harmonious a Society disturb'd, over so small a Matter as myself."

"My dear Sir!" cried Clarissa, "tho' your Stature, perhaps, has some Tendency toward the Diminutive, you are no small Matter. For as the Beauty of a Verse is not to be judg'd by its Length; nor the Quality of a Feast, by the Quantity of Food provided; nor the Worth of a Lady's Tale, by the Size of her Calligraphy; so the Flame of a sentient Spirit is not to be judg'd by a Feature so wholly beside the Point, as the mere Bulk occupied by its earthly Vessel. Size matters not, save in professional Wrestling and certain Acts of Love, wherein it is of course critical: but if you take Care to avoid these two Activities, and remain both a Pacifist and a Virgin until the End of your Days, then your Worth, Sir, will never be question'd, at least among the discerning Portion of Mankind."

We all of us much admir'd the Wisdom of Clarissa's eloquent Speech, but for some Reason unknown to us it seem'd to do little to ease the Halfling's Forebodings. With his Legs tuck'd beneath him, he sat quiet before the Fire, furrow'd his Brow, and for some Moments said Nothing. At the last he spake. "Truly," quoth he, looking at no one among us, "it seemeth to me, that no Hobbit of Sense could require such a Sacrifice as strict Chastity from your Captain, when he has so long, tho' at a great Distance, defended our Country and all of Middle-Earth against our common Enemy. Nor do I see, now that I think on't, why I should be making such a Fuss and a Bother about Nothing. For what is this Virginity worth?"

Here the Halfling threw back his lovely Head to take a Swallow from his Glass: and the Heat from this Fiery Liquid burn'd bright in the Blush upon his Cheeks. "Greatly would I long," quoth he, "to Surrender this Burden as a Gift to one who long hath held me dear: to one who might, perchance, cherish it as the greatest Treasure he could receive. But at present this seems impossible, for he is lost to me, and he would in the Event fall Victim to that Curse that robb'd me of my other Lovers. And even were that not the Case, 'tis possible he would little value the Gift. For tho' I have felt inwardly persuaded of his Love, it may be that for long Years I have been lost in a Delusion, and that the Seeds of my Adoration hath fall'n upon the stony Ground of his Indifference."

At this Time, Madame, I could not help but Note, that the roll'd up Carpet which had earlier caus'd us such great Alarm, commenc'd a violent Motion during the latter Portion of the Halfling's speech. But before I could open my Lips to speak, Clarissa interpos'd thus --

"Sir," quoth she with great concern, "do not imagine for one Moment that your Virtue has no worth --"

"As to my Virtue, Madame, worth it has none," quoth the Halfling very hastily, "save to make me a standing Jest among all my Acquaintance. By all the Valar, I value it less than a Shoelace! And it must be said, that I owe to your Captain a Debt so great, that I should hesitate to deny him any Thing he might ask in the Way of Repayment. 'Tis true that he took me Prisoner, but 'twas in the Heat of Battle, when all was Confusion, and indeed when I stood in some considerable Peril. For a Charge of those terrible Creatures, the Oliphaunts, had well-nigh trampl'd me, and tho' some Warrior of the Haradrim had for the moment snatch'd me to Safety, 'twas doubtless for the sole Purpose of making me his Captive."

"My dear Sir!" cried one of the younger Ladies, "were you indeed a Captive of this most fearsome of Peoples? Then your Peril was great indeed. For 'tis said, that all their Time is devoted to evolving fiendish new Torments to visit upon innocent Prisoners taken in War."

"Indeed, Madame," quoth Seleta, "I oft have heard such Rumours, and think them entirely true, for what else might these People have to do, in those brief Intervals not occupied by other Matters, such as the raising of Crops, the building of Houses, the Education of their Children, and those trivial Fancies by which we know 'em best, viz, their Art, Poetry, Musick, and Scholarship?" Here with a wave of her Fan she indicated the many fine Works of the Haradrim that grac'd our Bower: Carpets of the most elaborate Design, an Epic Poem ten thousand verses long, six or seven musical Instruments, an ingenious Device for predicting the Hour of a solar Eclipse, and some four or five dozen Treatises upon the higher Mathematics.

"I know not the Answer, Madame, to these Riddles," quoth the Halfling. "What the Customs of this bold Warrior's People might be, I had not the Opportunity to Discover: for as he carried me away in his Arms, one of those Monsters of the Enemy, the Nazgûl, swoop'd down upon us from the Sky. At that Moment, for the second Time within a Period of five Minutes, I believ'd all to be lost: the World grew dark, and blindly I clung to my Captor. In the next Instant, thought I, the foul Reek of the Monster's Breath would engulf us both, and thus I -- I -- that is, I know not what mad Thing I did, in the Tumult of the Moment.

"Suffice it to say, that the Death I expected came not. The Sounds of clashing Swords and flying Arrows were everywhere about us, and I felt myself pull'd from my Captor's Embrace. Before me appear'd the Face of a Man most fair to look upon, and in my Ears rang the cry of "Captain Faramir!" But I had no Time to think upon these Things; for the Screams of the Nazgûl's Beasts quite ripp'd through my Body, and I fell into a Swoon. Yet I judge from subsequent Events, that this fair Gentleman was your gallant Captain indeed, and that to him I owe my Life."

On hearing this Tale, several of the Ladies who long had been particular Admirers of the Captain, commenc'd whispering among themselves, that while Sam was doubtless a fine Lad, he had long since lost his Chance. And they added, that in such romantick Circumstances as the Halfing had just describ'd, a spark of Love may be born that oft will grow into a Flame.

To these tender-hearted Partisans of the Captain's Hopes, what the Halfling next said doubtless seem'd most Propitious. "Nay," cried he, draining his Glass with a swift Gesture, "I am resolv'd: I shall give myself to this Captain freely; it is indeed the least I owe him, and such a Return for his Goodness cannot be dishonourable to myself. And if the Strength of his powerful Embrace should overwhelm me, I shall cheerfully endure it, for he is a goodly -- that is, a most just and equitable Man, if your account of him be true. For surely the most effectual Method of allaying his Passion is to permit him to indulge it. And once his Senses are restor'd -- once he has taken his Pleasure -- once he has cast my trembling Form upon the Bed of Passion, or perchance the Couch, or the Floor, or the Wall, and done with me all that his Ardour demands -- once, I say, he hath penetrated the very Core of my Being with the Excesses of his Lust, and exhausted ev'ry Means of Gratification, ev'ry Avenue of Enjoyment, ev'ry luxurious Refinement upon simple Appetite that the Ingenuity of Mankind hath devis'd -- then, ah then, if he is all you say, he shall free me to pursue, abandon'd and alone, my fateful Errand."

Words cannot adequately describe the Fire in the Halfling's Visage as he made this impassion'd Speech: his Chest heav'd, his Breath came in Gasps, and a wild Light of Desperation shone in his Eye. The Goat bleated in Alarm to see him thus distracted, and so appall'd were we by the Sight, that few among us noted the Carpet rocking frantically in the Corner. I am quite sure, Madame, that such an unusual Occurrence would sooner or later have come to the Attention of such keenly observant Ladies, had not Clarissa hastily spoken.

"No, no, no, my dear Sir," cried she, "I implore you not to pursue such a rash Course, for you have made a fatal Error in your Calculations, in assuming, that the Captain is immune to the Fate that took your earlier Lovers from your Arms."

"Madame," quoth the Halfling with some Confusion, "I have not the Pleasure of understanding you."

"No more do I," quoth the fair Amelia. "My dear Madame, you have several times dropp'd a Hint, that you understand something of the Nature of the Halfling's curse, and indeed, I am quite sure that you possess a Superiority of Knowledge, a Vastness of Comprehension, and a Quickness of Thought, that suit you better than any living Being for the Unravelling of this Mystery. I implore you, therefore, to enlighten us, for the Captain may enter at any Moment, and Grave indeed would be his Peril, if his apparent Immunity to the Curse should prove a mere Deception."

"Call it not a Curse, Madame!" cried Clarissa, "'tis the Valar's Blessing upon this fair and deserving Creature. My dear Sir, it is my firm Belief, that ev'ry Happenstance of your Life hath been determin'd by the by the Spell cast upon you at the magick Pool."

"A magick Pool?" inquir'd Amelia. "But dear Madame, on ev'ry possible Occasion you have maintain'd, that the Charms of Superstition are Delusions of the Idle and the Vain. Our every Action must submit to the Operations of a sublime Law, viz., Cause and Effect: tho' some few Exceptions are granted to the Arts of the Elves, the Interventions of the Valar, and the mystick Powers of young raven-hair'd Girls transported suddenly to Middle-earth."

"My dear," quoth Clarissa, "your Skepticism does you great Credit, or it would, did not the overwhelming Weight of the Evidence put you so entirely in the Wrong. For never so clearly as in this Case, hath the Agency of the Valar, or rather of one Vala in particular, been so strongly manifested in a Series of wondrous yet Explicable Actions. The infallible Signs of this Vala's Interest in the Halfling are the Seven Feathers that fell to his feet, when his first Lover was born away by Swans; for precisely such Feathers, from just such Creatures, were the Signs by which Ulmo, the mighty Lord of Waters, mark'd Tuor for an extraordinary Fate."

"Alas!" cried the Halfling, "then the Nature of my Curse is dire indeed! Perchance I have been fortunate that Virginity was the only Cost impos'd upon me, for 'twas Tuor who married his own Sister, and who perish'd at the last by his own Hand."

"Nay, Sir," quoth Clarissa, "your Memory of the great Elvish Epics is playing you false. 'Twas Tùrin, not Tuor, who unwittingly suffer'd the Horrors of an incestuous Union."

"Indeed, Madame, I beg your pardon," quoth the Halfling with some Relief. "But now the proper Tale comes to mind: 'twas Tuor who founded the hidden City of Gondolin, only to be betray'd, when his treacherous Nephew suffer'd the Pangs of unrequited Love for his only Daughter. Alas! that Ulmo should mark me out for a Fate so Tragic as an amorous Discord among my closest Kin!"

"No, no, Sir," quoth Clarissa, "once again you have confus'd two Persons with similar Names; for the Elvish King of whom you speak was Turgon, not Tuor."

"Madame, I apologize," quoth the Halfling, "But at last my Mind hath dredg'd the true Tale from the nethermost Pit of my Memory. For Tuor was not a Person at all, but a City nigh unto the blessed Realm of Valinor: a City, moreover, inhabited entirely by giant Fish, who there took Refuge from the fearsome Salads wherein they so oft were serv'd."

"Nay, Sir: perchance you are thinking of Tùna, a fair Hill that stood in just such a blessed Situation, tho' I must confess, Sir, that I have not heard any Tale, of its being inhabited by Members of the finny Tribe."

On hearing this Answer, the Halfling blush'd profusely, and star'd at the Floor, and mumbl'd Words to the Effect, that the Names sounded to him all the same, and that perchance the Time he had spent in the Collecting of Stamps, might have been put to better Use had he instead sought to improve his Elvish, as his dear Uncle oft had urged him to do.

"Put your Heart at Ease, my dear Sir," quoth Clarissa. "It is never too late for so sublime a Study as this. For the Tale of Tuor is both diverting and instructive, and its profound Moral is worthy of your extended Consideration."

At this Time Clarissa eagerly remov'd from her Reticule a large Sheaf of closely written Papers, as well as some roll'd up Maps and a Genealogical chart of the third House of the Edain. But as she clear'd her Throat to begin, she was interrupted by Seleta, who observed, that the Night was waning fast, and that the full Tale might wait until such Time as we might contemplate its Beauty at our Leisure.

"Far be it from me, Madame," quoth Clarissa, returning her Papers to her Reticule and shutting this curious Container with a loud Snap, "to waste this Society's Time, by expatiating at too great a Length upon the unexampl'd Fate that hath rul'd this Halfling's Life for the past two-and-thirty Years. I shall merely say, that the Seven Swan's Feathers were the very same Token, wherewith Ulmo Lord of Waters chose the Hero Tuor to seek out the hidden City of Gondolin, and to lead its People to Safety. Indeed, my dear Sir, in the Tale you have related, this characteristick Handiwork of the Lord of Waters may be seen at ev'ry Point. The Swans of Ulmo took your first Lover, a Storm of Water the second. The third Lover was chas'd by aquatic Creatures, whilst the Fourth was transform'd to one. The Fifth was taken to Sea under most unusual Circumstances, and to complete the Tally, the loathsome Blotho was swallow'd by Quicksand, that is to say, by a sudden admixture of Earth with the very Element over which Ulmo hath Dominion. In each Case, in the same Instant that any Person attempted to engage you in amorous Conduct, he met with some watery Doom. What clearer Sign could there be, that you have been chosen by Ulmo for an Achievement of high Renown?"

At the Conclusion of Clarissa's brilliant Observations, we many of us exclaim'd at the hermeneutic Genius that could find the common Element in Fates so disparate. Yet the gentle-hearted Amelia could not refrain from expressing her Sorrow that the Marks of Ulmo's Favour should take such a disagreeable Form. "I cannot but wonder," quoth she, "for what Purpose Ulmo would demand of his Favourite so grim and unsociable a Virtue as strict Chastity? For the Career of no Hero is complete, unless after his Labours he found a Dynasty, and I know not how this might be done, if the Hero is as Innocent of Love as a Child of three Years."

"That, Madame, is easily explain'd," quoth Clarissa, "if, that is, I do not trespass overmuch upon the Company's Time, each Moment of which, I have recently been told, is more precious to the Ladies of this Assembly than the sweat-drench'd Handkerchiefs of the Prince of Mirkwood."

At the Mention of such precious Relics of this fam'd elvish Beauty, several younger Ladies commenc'd a Squealing so loud that it shook the Windows. But several among the less impressionable Part of the Company instantly reassured Clarissa, that nothing would be more welcome to them than additional Remarks of hers upon any subject she pleas'd. Yet just as she open'd her lips to begin, we were all of startl'd by a low Cry from the Halfling, a Cry which sounded for all the World, as if he had just lost all that was most dear to him.

"Dear Sir!" exclaim'd Clarissa. "Are you in Pain?"

"Do you feel the Symptoms of some sudden Illness?" another Lady inquired.

"Hath your financial Portfolio unexpectedly declined in Value?" ask'd a third.

"Ladies," quoth the Halfling, "I am a Fool. A Fool! For what I most dreaded has come to pass, and through my own Carelessness and inexcusable Ignorance. Surely, Madame, I have long known the divers Facts that your quick Wit has so cleverly reduc'd to a single shining Principle of Interpretation. Thus what you have told me makes me sure that I have sinn'd against the one who loves me best, and that he too has fall'n Victim to the Wrath of Ulmo."

"Surely, Sir," cried Amelia, "you cannot have Reason to believe, that your Sam has met with some hydrological Disaster?"

"He has," quoth the Halfling, "he infallibly has, and the Fault is mine alone, for I shatter'd the Resolution of Decades in the Panic of a single foolish Moment. Dear Ladies, I must confess, that when I told you the Tale of the Battle, I did not tell you all. For before I was taken captive, I enjoy'd the usual Companionship of Sam, my dearest and most faithful of Hobbits. But when first we saw the Oliphaunts bearing down upon us, we both of us felt quite Sure, that our Lives would end beneath the mighty Feet of these battle-madden'd Creatures. I am asham'd to say, that all Thoughts fled save those of my Sam. Nay, just as the Mariner in storm-toss'd Seas will cast off his precious Cargo, that he might save his despairing Companions; just as the Shield-Maiden in Battle will abandon all Hope of Life, that she might defend her wounded Kin; just as the Lady at a one-hour Sale will toss aside the finest Silk, that she might yet afford the perfect Handbag; so my Mind, in the Tumult of its Passion, found it had Room for but one Idea: and that Idea, was that I could not die with the strongest Feelings of my Soul unexpress'd.

"Thus I resolv'd to kiss him. At that very Moment I was taken by the Haradrim Warrior, but not, alas! before I had touch'd the Hem of Sam's Cloak with my Lips."

"Surely, Sir," quoth Seleta, "that doth not Count; for a Cloak is a mere Appurtenance, not an essential Aspect of your Lover's Nature. It is a Thing that may be cast aside at Will, like an old Purse, or a dull Friend, or a set of Opinions no longer Fashionable."

"I know not," Clarissa said doubtfully, "whether the Principle just mention'd be true, but I assure you, dear Sir, that what you call the Curse does not apply to your Sam. For --"

But so Powerful were the Sentiments animating the Halfling's Breast, that he could not forebear their Expression, tho' such a Course committed him to the undreamt of Rudeness of interrupting a Lady. "Nay, Ladies!" cried he. "Do not Waste your Breath in meaningless Reassurances! Do not torment me with a World of Imaginings, when the real Consequence of my Selfishness lies before me!"

"Dear Sir!" cried Amelia, "whatever can you mean?"

In Response to this Question the Halfling was silent, but he lifted a trembling Arm, and with a profound Sigh, a Sigh that threatened to exhale his very Soul from his Body, he pointed toward -- the Goat!

I must confess, Madame, that so Shocking was the Proposal being put before us, that at first I could by no means take it in, and knew not what the Halfling might mean by such a Gesture. Yet at once there flash'd before my Mind the dreadful Insight, that the Halfing believ'd the Goat to be his Sam, transform'd into this new Shape by the Operation of Ulmo's Curse. The Idea at first seem'd too extraordinary to be true, but a Number of confirming Circumstances suddenly occurr'd to me: viz., the constant Affection the Goat had shown; its Origins as a Prisoner from the very same Battle where Sam had last been seen; and its great Skill at the Water-Ballet, an Art dear to the Heart of Ulmo, but not one previously known to have attracted any caprine Practioners.

In truth, Madame, many of the other Ladies seem'd to have reach'd such dreadful and inescapable Conclusions as mine, for the Chamber echoed with our Gasps.

"Twas Clarissa alone, who seem'd untouched by the general Confusion. "Nay, my dear Sir," quoth she, "it cannot be so; Sam would suffer nothing from your Embraces; if you would only permit me to explain . . ."

But so deep was the Halfling's Grief, that he seem'd not to hear her; he shed no Tear, but star'd at the Goat, and in a quiet but tremulous Voice he spake a solemn Plaint. The Sorrow of his Verse was greatly increased by the Fact that the Goat, clearly perceiving its Lover's Anguish, bleated piteously at the Terminus of the most affecting Lines: (4)

Forever curs'd be this detested Day, [Bleat]
Which snatch'd by best, my favourite Sam away!
Happy! Ah, ten time happy, had I been,
If Fandom-wank these Eyes had never seen! [Bleat]
What mov'd my Mind from Hobbiton to roam?
O, had I stay'd, collecting Stamps at home! [Bleat bleat]
'Twas this . . . (5)

"Nay, Sir," Seleta exclaim'd, "do not carry on thus; above all, not in Verse, for your own Sake and for ours."

"Prithee, dear Sir," quoth the sweet-natured Amelia, with an angry Glance at Seleta for her most unseasonable Interruption, "do not Grieve. For while the Metamorphosis of one's Lover into a Goat, is an Event most unusual and unlook'd for, it cannot be so dreadful as other more common Casualties of Life, viz., the determined Opposition of a Lover's Family, an unexpected Diminution in his Affections, or a sudden Change in his political Party.

"Only consider, dear Sir!" continued she. "What matters the Form your Lover is encas'd in? For your Love is no mere carnal Thing, no mere Motion of the body. Nay! It is a Union of Spirits that goes beyond the murmuring of soft Words in your Ear, the Touch of his Lips upon yours. What matters it, that you never shall feel the gentle Insinuation of his Hand beneath your Clothes, that you never shall Taste the soft Hollow at the base of his Throat? Nay: bless'd by his lasting and steadfast Affection, you shall not mourn the Loss of his naked Flesh against yours. You shall not long for his wordless Murmurings of Desire; you shall not yearn for the silken Feel of his Lips kissing a relentless Line down your trembling Form. You shall not crave the Sensation of those same Lips enveloping the inflam'd Part that most aches for his Touch. Nay: your chaste Sentiments of mutual Admiration and Respect shall more than compensate for the moist Warmth of his Tongue upon you: at first merely teasing, slowly encircling the sensitive Tip of the swollen Flesh, but then, in Response to your Pleas and Cries, gradually increasing the Speed, the Pressure, the Heat. Nay: bless'd with the lifetime Companionship of this innocent Animal, you shall never for an instant miss the Sensation of your Sam pressing down upon your Hips to restrain your desperate Thrusting, whilst . . .

"My dear," quoth Clarissa, who for some Time had been attempting without Success to attract Amelia's Attention, "will you have some more Brandy?" Without waiting for an Answer she forcibly pour'd a Portion of this nourishing Liquid down the Throat of her surpris'd Friend, meanwhile whispering in her Ear some Remark we could not overhear, but that perchance touch'd on the Effect that the fair Amelia's Observations were having upon her virginal Auditor.

Indeed the Halfling seem'd little comforted by her Speech: his Eyes were glaz'd, his Breathing fast, his Skin hot and flush'd. In ev'ry Way he display'd not the rational Mastery of his Passions that Amelia had hoped to encourage, but the impulsive Ardour of a Being driven to a State of Distraction by prolong'd Torment, a Torment from which he could foresee no possible Means of Escape.

Yet the low measure'd Tone in which he spoke seem'd at first to belie his wild Demeanour. "Madame," quoth he, "I am sure you are Correct. What matters this Transformation, indeed? For tho' Sam, as you have noted in such Detail, no longer bears the Form I have come to love, yet he is still my Sam. And if the Valar, for reasons I confess I cannot understand, have seen fit to deny me the Pleasure of his Love in Hobbit-Form, that doth not mean, I can have no Pleasure at all. One Pleasure indeed doth remain to me. I am resolv'd to take it."

"Precisely!" cried Amelia with a pleas'd Expression.

"Nay, my dear Sir!" exclaim'd Seleta, who had more quickly penetrated the Halfling's Meaning. Quickly she rose from her Place and darted toward him, but alas! she tripp'd over the mysterious Carpet, which during the past several Moments had roll'd back and forth with such Violence as to overturn a Plant-stand and several small Stools.

With Seleta sprawl'd helpless o'er this errant Fabric, no Obstacle stood between the Halfling and his Desire, for the Goat lay close by the Halfling's Side, and moreover it gaz'd upon the Halfling with a Love so Plain that an Orc would have wept with Joy to see it. The Halfling sank low over his caprine Admirer, reach'd out with a tentative Hand. With some Hesitation he tangled his Fingers in the damp Hair on the Goat's face. Slowly he drew a great Breath, and seem'd to gather his Courage with it, for he gaz'd deep into the brown Eyes beneath him, and lean'd forward until his tender Lips were mere Inches from the Goat's.

At this Time, Madame, it cannot be amiss for me to submit to your Attention a few brief moral Reflexions.

The better Portion of Mankind affirms that Love is a Blessing, and most Persons would call a Kiss a better Thing than outright Murder. Yet it is a surprising Fact, that few will permit Others to go their own Way, or to pursue this Blessing in the Manner they best prefer. Precisely that Person or Practice that is most sure to quicken Desire in one, will annihilate it in another. Tastes in Love outnumber the Fish in the Sea, and the Stars in the Heavens; nay, they are more Various than the Excuses of a faithless Beau discover'd in mid-afternoon, half-dress'd, with his Lady's most intimate Friend and a Flock of Geese. But those who admit this Principle as a general Rule oft disregard it in particular Cases, and condemn the most inoffensive of their fellow Creatures on the sole Ground, that such-and-such a One indulges in one of their Squicks.

Only consider, dear Madame, as an Instance of this strange Propensity to meddle in the Pleasures of others, the eternal Conflict between those who prefer Position Seventeen in the Dwarvish Craft of Love, and those for whom Position Twenty-four seems the most wholesome and natural. Between these Foes -- the first, stern Partisans of the Trampoline, and the second, unyielding Acolytes of the Trapeze -- it seems no Peace shall ever be made. The least of the Damage that each Side hath done to the other, hath been the Invention of those harsh and offensive Names of Bouncer and Swinger: Words that I trust, Madame, you agree can have no Place in polite Conversation. So intractable an Enmity subsists between the Parties, that the palace Guard of Minas Tirith oft hath been force'd to intervene in arm'd Conflicts among 'em, and Blood hath been shed, when the Partisans of Position Thirty-Two have join'd the fray, arm'd with the fearsome Blanc-Manges of their favourite Practice.

Dearest Girl: a generous Heart such as yours surely must wish for an immediate End to this Strife, and dream as I do of a World in which Trampoline, Trapeze, and Blanc-mange resolve into a single harmonious Chord in the divine Musick of Love. And if there truly stirs within your Breast such a disinterested Desire for the Happiness of your fellow-Creatures, then I know, dear Madame, you will not be one whit dismay'd to hear, that the Halfling at this Time plainly long'd for nothing more than to engage the Goat is a passionate and lasting Kiss, with all the Sequels that naturally would follow such an Action.

There they sat before the Fire. The flickering orange Glow of the Flame danc'd in the Halfling's bright Eyes, and play'd across the damp glossy Hide of the Goat. Curls of Steam rose from this Creature as it dried, and the resulting Moisture clung to the Halfling's petal-soft Skin in infinitesimal Droplets that glitter'd in the Light. The Lovers drew ever closer; but just as their Union seem'd inevitable, the Halfling falter'd. "Can it be?" quoth he. "Can it truly be?"

He did not draw back, but neither did he move forward, and to many among us it seem'd that the fascinated Pair would for the Remainder of the Evening hang suspended a mere half a Breath apart. Yet we reckon'd without the Goat: for this adoring Creature could no longer bear the Torment of further Suspense. Thus it strain'd its graceful Neck upward, rais'd its hairy Chin, and parted its Lips: until at last, with a soft huffling Noise clearly expressive of transcendent Pleasure, it lick'd the infatuated Halfling on the Nose.

"Oh," quoth the Halfling, "Sam?"

§ § §

Dear Madame, I shall be happy to reveal, whether the charming Creature that took such a Liberty with the Halfling's previously inviolable Person, was or was not his Sam. But I fear such a Revelation must wait until my next Letter. For I am call'd away to a most urgent Series of Engagements: those with my Manicurist, my Masseur, and the Gentleman who styles my Hair. As none of these Professionals will tolerate Tardiness in any Form, or the least Deviation from their establish'd Schedules, I must abandon my Pen for the Day.

Please send my kindest regards to your dear Mother, and inform her, that I have sent off her Packages by carrier Eagle as she requested. For tho' this Use of Prince Faramir's courier-Service may be deem'd frivolous by the severer Sort of Moralist, the Prince, and even more so his Consort, have good Reason to know the Feelings of an Immigrant from a distant Land. For however dearly your Mother may love her adopted Nation, her tender Heart will never cease to cherish the fair green Country of her Birth. Thus she may be assur'd, that the fine woollen Scarves she has prepar'd, shall reach her Family within the next eight-and-forty Hours.

In this as in all other Matters, I remain, my dearest Girl,

Your most humble obedient Servant,

Maria-Susannah

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Letter the Fifth-and-a-Half

Notes

4 In the translation of this moving poem, Mrs. Cleland seems to have adapted a few lines from Alexander Pope's The Rape of the Lock, just as Pope in his own text was stealing from a slashy speech in Homer. It is interesting to speculate on whether Homer in turn had access to the Third Age source translated here; if so, then the Red Book is being plagiarized at three removes for its own translation. Back to story

5 It cannot be an accident that in her adaptation of Pope Mrs. Cleland included a teasing reference to Fandom-wank, a wildly popular eighteenth-century scandal sheet. Pope vilified in the magazine in public as "a Destroyer of Reputations and a Carbuncle upon the Face of the Nation." It was, however, common knowledge in the literary world that Pope was Fandom-wank's most frequent anonymous contributor. Back to story

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Letter the Fifth-and-a-Half