Entry tags:

frodo hill

Frodo Hill, Letter the Fifth (Post one of two)

Frodo Hill, Letter the Fifth

[Post One of Two]

Minas Ithil, 28 Urimë, Fourth Age 65

Madame,

I thank you for your kind Enquiries, in your last three-and-forty Letters, as to whether my long-continued Silence hath some distressing Cause, viz., my sudden Death, or Dismemberment, or a Palsy of the Limbs, or a long-festering Hangnail. I assure you, Madame, that not only are my Health and Spirits good, but, what is of even greater Importance to an Author, my Nails remain as ever in that state of Perfection so conducive to Literary Composition.

This last Principle is of uttermost importance to any Lady seeking to entertain the World with a Tale. Should you, therefore, on any Occasion find yourself at a Loss for Words when you put Pen to Paper, I would advise you in the strongest possible Terms, that nothing would be so indispensable to the rapid Flow of both Thought and Language, as a good Manicure perform'd by some Elvish Professional.

For what Lady can in good Conscience grasp a Pen in Fingers terminating ungracefully in Nails ragged or frayed? Nails that, like unfortunate Children stolen by Wolves and rais'd as mere Savages in the Wild, know naught of the gentle Discipline of the Clipper, the shaping Influence of the File, or the soft buffing Motions of the cotton Ball! Nails that hath been abandon'd to the barbarous Exertions of a Lady's Teeth, so hasty in their Action, and so unappealing in their Results! Nay, Madame: 'tis not for nothing that the Dwarves so often declare, that we live in a digital Age. For by this they Mean, that your Digits are your best Means of Communion with the wide World, and you had best attend to them with all imaginable Care.

This simple Principle is one I have observ'd from my earliest Youth. Thus no Failure of personal Grooming accounts for my Silence, but a Heart overburden'd by conscious Guilt. For these Letters hath reach'd the Point of a Profound Crisis in the Halfling's Affairs, and I know not, Madame, whether it will be Possible for me any longer to satisfy the conflicting Demands of perfect Truth and strict Morality. So tormented have been my Nerves by this Prospect, that for a Time I scarce wish'd to Live. Indeed, so profound hath been my Gloom, that I have for the past eight Weeks kept almost entirely to my Chambers, emerging only for those small Diversions presented by a Mode of Life as retir'd as my own; viz. Meetings of literary Societies, Exhibitions of Elvish Ceramics, some few theatrical Performances, several mask'd Balls, a Day at the Races, a Night at the Opera, and all seven Games of the all-Gondor major league Brumble Championship.

At last, however, my Courage hath been somewhat restor'd, and I feel, if not equal to my painful Task, at least somewhat resign'd to it. I can only hope, Madame, that this Epistle will have no untoward Effects upon a Spirit as Sensitive as yours, and I earnestly recommend, that you prepare yourself for the Reading of the Tale with just those Prophylactics against excessive Ardour that I hath employed in the Writing of it: viz., several fine linen Handkerchiefs, a goodly supply of Brandy, and a charming Youth near at Hand. Only thus might you ease those turbulent Motions of the Soul that Literature so oft arouses in impressionable Persons, whilst the simple Tune of this my Narration rises to a mighty Cadenza of Passion.

At the Moment when my Tale recommences, the fair Halfing had just finish'd recounting his Misfortunes in Love. Yet these dire Events had been nearly forgot, for it had become evident, that the Carpet brought to our Chamber by Captain Faramir, was by no Means destitute of Life, and the Halfling, whose Courage was as great as his Beauty, had boldly taken a Stand beside the Invader. Many of us trembl'd at the Thought, that he might at any Moment be attack'd by this most terrifying of Textiles, perchance to be smother'd in its fell Fibres until naught was left of him but a Hobbit Pile.

But just as the Halfling began the Contest by prodding at the Carpet with his Toe, the Door to our Chamber burst open, and in walk'd Mr. Peters. "My Dears -- " quoth he, but broke off at once with an Exclamation of Dismay. With no Regard to any Person in the Room, he strode at once to the Spot where the Halfling stood, and heav'd him up by the Collar, examining him with ev'ry Symptom of Horror and Indignation.

"Streams of Ossë!" he exclaim'd, "what Nonsense is this? Did I not tell you, Halfling, scarce two Hours ago, that you were to pay for the heavy Charges you have amass'd at my House, by the prompt Sale of your Virginity? And yet I find you in no Way prepar'd for this important Event. You are so Filthy, Sirrah, that I am sure the Captain would purchase a Sow in her Trough before he would so much as look at you. Faugh! Bah! Pish!"

"Sir," interposed the fair Amelia, whose great Curiosity regarding Matters orthographic hath oft been noted in this History, "if you would be so good as to Spell the antepenultimate Ejaculation with which you have favour'd us --"

"Faugh!" exclaim'd Mr. Peters once more, without deigning to take Notice of Amelia's just and reasonable Request. "What Excuse can there be for such a gross Violation of ev'ry Principle of Cleanliness? Have I not, at the greatest personal Expense, provided to the Ladies of this Society the most elaborate bathing Chamber east of the Anduin? I am griev'd," continu'd he, with a fearsome Glare about the Room, "that the Ladies who have so long been shelter'd in this House, would do as little to bestir themselves on an Occasion so crucial to our financial Survival, as if you all of you labour'd under the Delusion, that Silver falleth from the Sky like Rain, and Gold beateth down like the Rays of the Sun."

"Sir," quoth Seleta, with a languid Wave of her Fan, "for myself, I see naught in the Halfling to provoke the least Objection from any Gentleman of Taste and Discernment."

"What!" cried Mr. Peters. "Madame, I know you to be of a satryick Bent, but must protest that you take your Jest too far in this Case. For the Halfling's Curls are muss'd; his Clothes are in the greatest Disarray; his Shirt is half-open and in several Places torn; his Skin is flushed and bedew'd with Sweat; his Eyes are bright with the Effects of too much Wine, . . " -- yet here he broke off abruptly, and look'd with a more critical Eye at the fair Creature twisting in his Grip.

"Indeed, Sir," quoth Seleta with the greatest Tranquillity, "it is just as I said."

At this Time Mr. Peters rock'd back upon his Heels, made a harrumphing Noise, and lower'd his beauteous Captive to the Ground; not without further rumpling the Halfing's already tousel'd Curls, and forcibly removing a Button or two from his Shirt. "Perchance --" quoth he, but whatever wise Observation he would have made, was cut off by an indignant Bleating from behind him.

For the Goat, ever an Advocate for the Halfling who had so utterly conquered its Heart, had leapt from its Couch, and now paw'd at the Ground, roll'd its Eyes, and snorted in a most menacing Manner: in short, it evinc'd every Sign of Anger at Mr. Peters' rude Treatment of its Darling.

I must own, Madame, that several among us fear'd much for the continued Safety of the Gentleman who, though not without Faults, had long nourish'd and defended our little Society. Doubtful tho' some of us were, as to the Purity of this Gentleman's Intentions, we none of us could find it in our Hearts, to wish to see him fall Victim to Caprine Wrath: particularly in our own Chamber, where the Streams of Blood resulting from such an unequal Conflict would form such unpleasant and ineradicable Stains.

Yet this resourceful Gentleman evinced not the slightest Discomfiture in the Face of Peril, for without any Ceremony whatever he seiz'd the Creature by its Ear and dragg'd it to a secluded Corner, where he secur'd it to a Table-leg by means of an ornate jewel'd Collar we had none us of previously noted. His remarks on this Occasion were the very last Thing that we any of us expected. "Golden hooves of Nahar!" cried he, as the Creature mourn'd its departed Liberty with helpless Bleats of Protest. "What Goat is this?"

We all of us star'd at him in Wonder, and I was not the only one among us to suppose, that the Strain of Keeping of a House such as ours in such difficult Times had at long last affected his Wits. For Mr. Peters had been intimately acquainted with this Animal for many Years, and had just seen it taking its Ease among us in his earlier Visit to our Chamber. "Sir," quoth the judicious Clarissa at length, "this Goat hath been employ'd so long among us, that its Contributions to the Harmony and Well-being of this Society exceed those of the rest of us combin'd; I must own myself surpris'd, Sir, that you should even for a Moment be so deaf to the Appeal of Gratitude, as to forget all that this superior Animal hath meant to our House."

And to many of us it seemed as if Effrontery itself must fall abash'd before the noble Sentiments that Clarissa had so eloquently express'd. Yet Mr. Peters apparently thought otherwise. "Madame," quoth he, "as you know, my Respect for your Wisdom knows no bounds, but you will forgive me if I ask, whether some sudden incapacitating Illness hath struck you blind and stol'n your Wits. For the Goat who hath serv'd this House to such great Acclaim, hath been all this Evening employ'd in a private Chamber upon the third Floor, where it hath been much occupied in amorous Acts with a large Badger and a travelling Band of Dwarves. Indeed, I have all this Time been seeing to the incessant Demands of this Party for all Manner of luxurious Niceties: a large Mess of Taters and Onions, a continual Flow of Ale, a Trampoline, and a Supply of curling-Papers for the Badger."

This News astonish'd us all, for it made us Suspect, that the Creature we had trusted so close to the Halfling was perchance an Impostor. "What Goat, then, is this," cried the fair Amelia, "that hath invaded the innermost Recesses of our Bower with so little Ceremony, nay, without even a Letter of Introduction or a business Card in its favour?"

"That, Madame, is a Question that you must answer among yourselves; for myself, I know not why, or how, or for what secret Purpose, you have summon'd this Caprine Unknown into the Privacy of your lock'd Chambers. When first I laid Eyes on the Creature earlier this Night, I assum'd, that you had somehow unearth'd a new Recruit for our little Society, and admir'd such Evidence of Diligence in the Cause of our mutual Prosperity. Tho' if all of you Ladies instead believ'd, that this Goat is the same as the one that hath been your esteem'd Colleague for so many Years, I must own, that the Mistake is only natural. For it is a Miracle how each Animal resembles the other in ev'ry particular, saving only, that our Goat hath curl'd horns, whilst this Creature's horns are quite straight; ours hath ears that stand up like a Cat's, whilst these Ears flop like a Spaniel's. Then, too, there is the Matter of Colour, for our Goat is Grey, whilst this is Brown; nor should I omit the surprising Fact, that our Goat is quite three times the Size of this one. Apart from these Minute Distinctions, however, too Fine to be observ'd by any but the most exacting Eye, the two Creatures are identical in ev'ry possible way, and resemble each other just as much, as the Apple doth the Orange, as the Sparrow doth the Hawk, as the Spreading Oak doth the Concept of Social Justice, as . . .

"Sir," quoth the wise Clarissa, "you have made your Point; indeed, I believe you have made it quite some Time ago, and to belabour it further would waste Words upon small Matter. I must own, Sir, that without the assistance my Spectacles, I could not distinguish between this Goat and a four-posted Bed."

"As for myself," quoth the gentle Amelia, "I thought the Goat appear'd unwell, but did not wish to mention the Matter, for fear of wounding its Feelings."

At this Moment we younger Ladies look'd to Seleta, for we all of us were so possess'd by the idea of her Cleverness, that we could not imagine how she could make such an Error.

"As for myself," quoth Seleta, "my sole Excuse is this: in the Course of Reading many Tales, I have become much accustom'd to sudden and violent Transformations in an individual's Appearance, Manner, and Character, whether such Metamorphoses are demanded by the Exigencies of the Plot, or imposed by the Author's Forgetfulness. So little do I expect the Principle of Continuity to be observ'd in a Tale, that I can no longer be much surpris'd to see it violated in Life as well. Such Variations in Color and Size as you have mention'd, Sir, are mere Nothings, in Comparison to the universal Flux and Change that Literature hath long taught me to expect."

To this wise Speech we younger Ladies nodded Agreement, and we all of us blam'd our present Confusion upon the poor Narrative Construction prevalent in Tales penn'd by several Ladies who chanced not to be present.

"Perchance, Ladies," quoth Mr. Peters, "you need a new Hobby."

"I can think of no Pursuit," Amelia protested with some Spirit, "more Rational and Elegant than the Belles-Lettres, at once the Father of Wit, the Mother of the finer Feelings, the Brother of Equanimity, the Sister of Perceptiveness, the Guardian-at-Law of Eloquence, the Second Cousin of apt Comparison . . ."

"Indeed, my dear," quoth Clarissa, "you have spoken my Sentiments exactly, but now is not, I deem, the best Time to elaborate upon this Theme in any Detail. For to me the key Question in all this Affair is the one, dearest Madame, that you have with your usual Perspicacity raised, to wit: what Goat is this? For we found this amiable Creature penn'd in the very Place where our erstwhile Colleague hath been wont to pass its Hours of Leisure."

"Hounds of Oromë!" cried Mr. Peters. "Do you think I have nothing better to do, than keep a constant Account of the Comings and Goings of the Inhabitants of a Barnyard? Am I a Goatherd? Am I a Farmer? Am I a Maker of Cheese? Am I a Purveyor of fine Fabrics to the Gentry?"

"No, Sir," quoth Seleta, "we are all well aware, that you are a . . ."

But Mr. Peters was too occupied by his own Thoughts to wait for Seleta to complete her own. "I have it!" quoth he. "This Creature must surely be none other than the Goat that Captain Faramir brought to this House along with the other Spoils of Battle; the Evening hath been so full of Bustle and Hurry, that the Matter quite ran out of my Head. But now the Mystery is resolv'd, and a lucky Chance it is indeed to have such a fine Animal among us this Night. Nay, I shall go farther: 'tis plainly another Instance of the Mercy the Valar have shown to this House. For the Party of Dwarves upstairs hath been demanding another Goat this past Hour, and hath sworn their Pleasure to be only half-complete without one. Anvil of Aulë! May the Blessings of all the Valar shower upon our gallant Captain, for had I known, that the quartering of Prisoners would bring such Profit, I would have clamor'd for the Privilege long ago."

At this Time, Mr. Peters reach'd toward the Goat, plainly intending to lead this innocent Creature away, all unawares, to a Fate that some would call worse than Death. But the Goat responded to his Advances with ev'ry symptom of Alarm. The Collar round its Neck would not permit it to flee, but it twirl'd about the Table-Leg until it was entirely hid, making a Sanctuary of the Furniture meant to be its Prison. Thus protected from the immediate Threat of Assault, with great Vigour it proceeded to run, or so we all assum'd: for all we could see was the Table clattering wildly across the Room.

"Stop at once, thou miscreant!" cried Mr. Peters, "that Table is a most valuable Antique!" But his Words were wasted on the empty Air: and tho' he dived for his Quarry with an Energy surprising in so Rotund a Gentleman, his Effort was to no avail: for the Table tripp'd hither and thither like a mad Thing, knocking several of the Ladies to the Ground in its Progress round the Room, until at last it made for the open Passage to the bathing Chamber and disappear'd.

"Stars of Elbereth!" exlaim'd Clarissa in Horror, "if the Goat should fall into the Water! Bound as it is to a Table, it should most infallibly -- "

But her Words were interrupted by a loud Splash from the Chamber adjacent, at which Time, we all of us shrieked in Terror, and several of the Ladies could only give Expression to their Feelings, by Swooning in Attitudes both moving and picturesque.

So griev'd was the fair Amelia, that she could not forbear interrupting her Swoon to declaim upon the Horror of what she had seen. "Who among us would imagine," cried she from her Place on the Floor, "that such a useful and elegant Piece of Furniture, engraved as it was with a curious Picture depicting the Amours of Túrin and Beleg in fine Cloisonné, should prove the Bane of such an excellent Creature! Who could imagine . . ."

"Your Pardon, Madame," interposed a Voice from above her, and with a Squeak of Surprise she look'd up, only to see the Halfling boldly leap o'er her prone Form as he ran toward the bathing Chamber. And we none of us doubted for a Moment that it was the Halfling's Intention to give Succour to the affectionate Creature that had so unreservedly given him its Heart.

Without pausing for a moment's Consultation or Discussion, we all of us rose as one Woman and ran to the Chamber, tho' this rare Unanmity of Purpose led to some small Embarrassment, as some five-and-twenty Ladies and Mr. Peters attempted to pass thro' the same Doorway at one Time. A minor Dispute ensued, at the end of which, the Victors enter'd the Chamber with all due Decorum, while their defeated Friends remain'd behind to bind up their Wounds as best they could.

When at last we enter'd the Chamber we hardly knew what to expect, tho' some among us whisper'd of our Hopes, that whether the Goat chanced to live or die, we should yet see the fair Halfling wholly immers'd in that liquid Medium, which might display his Charms to their best Advantage. Indeed, several of the younger Ladies dar'd to hope that the Halfling would have had Time to remove at least one of his Garments before attempting the Rescue of his Admirer from a watery Grave.

But alas! these Ladies were doom'd to Disappointment. For when we enter'd the Chamber we found the Halfling still fully cloth'd, and so far was he from being Immers'd in the limpid Stream, that he was not wet, nay, not even mildly damp. Under the firm Guardianship of Clarissa he stood beside the largest and deepest of the Pools that the Chamber contain'd.

You should know, Madame, that the Water in this Chamber constantly flow'd from a hot Spring deep in the Earth below us. Thus even at this late Hour, when no Servants were present to tend the Baths, such a Pool would present a Hazard to any Person not a Master of the aqueous Element, for there was never a Moment in the Day when the Baths were not perfectly Full, as many a drunken Customer had in the Past found to his Dismay. And greatly we fear'd, that the Goat had made the same Discovery before any could come to its Aid.

On this Occasion, however, all ran quite contrary to our Expectations. For what should greet our astonish'd Eyes, but the Sight of the Table, bobbing topside-down in the Water, with one of its Legs broken quite off. 'Twas perhaps this Accident, so fatal to the Table's Pretensions to either Elegance or Functionality, that had sav'd the Life of the Goat, which swam about the Bath with ev'ry Evidence of Enjoyment.

We could not long enjoy this gratifying Spectacle, for Mr. Peters came huffing up behind us and push'd thro' to the front of the Crowd. "Ladies!" cried he, "What is this Goat doing in my Bath?"

"Sir," quoth Seleta, "I believe it is doing the Backstroke."

Mr. Peters responded to this Observation, with naught but a Look of Disdain.

But his Displeasure was doom'd to live and die unremark'd, for the Attention of the Ladies was fix'd upon the Goat. "Nay Madame," quoth one of the younger Ladies, "'tis not the Backstroke at all. Observe, if you will, the Grace with which this most talented of Animals lifteth one Limb to the Front, then down, then to the side, then to the back, then centre-changes its Limbs to recommence the Motion on the other Side. If I mistake me not, 'tis the very Motion, term'd by the Elves, the Grand Rond de Jambe en L'air."

"Well, ----------- me, Madame," quoth Seleta, "if for once in your Life, you stand not upon the right Side of a Question."

For some Moments we all of us could do no more than gaze in Wonder, as the Goat dove quite to the Bottom of the Pool. With great Precipitancy it shot Upwards and spun onto its Back. From this recumbent Position, the surprisingly buoyant Creature first spread all four of its Limbs outward, and then slowly bent them inwards, to the Point at which its gracefully turn'd Hooves just touch'd in the Shape of a four-pointed Star. At this Time we could not forbear from bursting into Applause at such a supreme Instance of that Manoeuvre term'd by the Elves, the Grand Plié en Haut.

Pleas'd, no Doubt, at the kind Reception its Efforts had receiv'd, the Goat exhibited a number of other elegant Manoeuvres, viz., the Passé, the Jetté, the Degagé, and the Pas de Chat, all of which left us quite Certain that the Goat, however limited its Experience in the Arts practic'd in our House, was nevertheless an Adept at that marvellous Art of the Elves that so few Mortals have seen: the Water-Ballet.

In our Books, we had read many Tales of the great Perfection to which the Elves, bless'd with the infinite Leisure of Immortality, had brought this extraordinary Art. Greatly had we long'd to see the Performances of such fabled Practitioners as Elrond and Glorfindel. Mighty Elf-Lords were they of great Power, and lo! they were fair, and their Eyes shone, and their bathing-Costumes were of fallen Leaves. In their Teeth they were wont to bear flaming Torches as they sprang from the restless Waves, whilst three dozen Elf-maidens swam at their Feet, in a Formation like unto the Device of the House of Fingolfin. (1)

You may imagine, Madame, how delightful it was for Ladies as retir'd from the World as ourselves to have an Opportunity to view such a fine Display, tho' the sole Performer was but a Goat. Yet Mr. Peters did not give us Leisure to enjoy this Spectacle for very long.

"Come, Ladies," quoth he, "the Night is no longer young, and I must insist that this Goat be remov'd from the Pool at once. For if the Goat will not serve Dwarves in the Manner I have mentioned, I cannot in good Conscience promise, that it will not instead be made to serve them in some other Way, as for Example, in a Stew, or a Soup, or a fine Ragout."

At this shocking Speech several among the Ladies gasp'd, and we all of wonder'd, that so kindly a Gentleman as Mr. Peters should make such a Proposal. "Sir," quoth the Halfling, "this Inhumanity does your Profession no great Credit."

"Prithee, Sirrah!" cried Mr. Peters, "do not presume to judge Motives you cannot as yet understand; 'tis my Duty to entertain such Customers as attend this House, in the Manner that will best amuse 'em. Thus I should advise you, Halfling, to remove this Animal from the Pool forthwith, or to persuade it to leave of its own Accord, else you shall infallibly see it dwindle from a living Creature to a mere Ingredient."

Most piteous at this Moment was the Plight of the Halfling, as we all of us could see; for 'twas a Peculiarity of the Creature's Beauty, that his mobile Features spake plainly the Content of his Thoughts. Thus in the Twist of the Halfling's alabaster Brow we could clearly see his Anguish: for he was forced to commit what would seem like Treachery to a poor trusting Creature, tho' this Treachery were the only Means by which its Life might be preserv'd. Nonetheless, in despite of these Repinings, the Halfling quickly did as he was bid, for he could do no other.

"Come," quoth he, kneeling by the shallow side of the Pool and extending his Hand, "come to Master."

The Goat fix'd him with a doubtful Look, and its Eyes roll'd in some Confusion, but so great was the Power of Love within its Breast, that it swam to the Halfling, scrambl'd from the Pool, and gaz'd upward in Adoration -- only to find its Collar seized by Mr. Peters. It buck'd mightily, and bleated in Protest, but could by no Means escape. (2)

"Sir," quoth the wise Clarissa, "I implore you to reconsider your Designs upon this Animal. For this Goat's Virtue is writ in its ev'ry Feature, and I have never before known you to take into your Employment, a Person or Creature wholly unwilling. Moreover, Sir, I must confess, that I could see neither Sense nor Reason in your Plan to make the Goat into a Stew, for it was always my Understanding, tho' this Matter is little spoken of in Elvish Lore, that all Dwarves are Vegetarians." (3)

"Indeed, Madame, they are," quoth Mr. Peters, still clinging for dear Life to the bucking Goat, "but my empty Threat hath had the Effect intended, and so all is Well. As for the other Matter, the Dwarves can be most Persuasive with a timid Virgin, and we may not know until we try, what hidden Passions . . ."

But his Disquisition was quite cut off, when the Goat, not content with its spirited Attempts at Escape, began without Warning to ring.

"Music of the Ainur!" quoth Mr. Peters. "What foul Noise is this?"

We all of us recollected the elvish Device that the Goat had swallow'd earlier in the Evening, and wonder'd greatly at the Strength of a Magick, that could continue to Function for so long in so unpromising a Place. But before we could explain this extraordinary Phenomenon to Mr. Peters, the young Lady to whom the Device belong'd shov'd her way to the Front of the Throng of Ladies. "Sir," cried she with great Eagerness, "I humbly beg your Pardon, but I believe, that the Call may be for me . . ."

"Sir," quoth Clarissa, "permit me to Explain." Thus, whilst the young Lady's Friends pull'd her Back, and urgently counsel'd her against taking a Call at such an unseasonable Time, and whilst other Ladies silenc'd the Goat with a timely Application of Brandy, Clarissa elucidated the Mystery to Mr. Peters, tho' he was plainly Displeas'd by the Relation.

"Well, then," quoth he, "that's the End on't; the Creature can by no Means be employ'd among us. For there is nothing so startling to a Gentleman seeking the Pleasures of Caprine Love, than a sudden Noise. The Creature must remain with you Ladies until such Time, as its present Illness passes, in a Manner of Speaking."

Here Mr. Peters laugh'd heartily, tho' when none of the Ladies join'd him in his Mirth, he soon fix'd the Halfling with a most calculating Eye. "We must," quoth he, "therefore seek to recoup our Losses in this Matter from the sale of the Halfling himself. Therefore I counsel you, Sir, to make ready for the Auction, by appearing as dishevell'd as you may. "Indeed," continued he, with a dreamy Look in his Eye, "'tis a great Shame there are not two of you, for 'twould make the Fortune of this House if I could sell two such charming Creatures. If the Captain would give half of Gondor to have you, as I feel sure he shall, 'tis certain he would throw the other Half into the Bargain if he could have a Threesome. For 'tis an infallible Saying of the Dwarves, that while Two is a goodly Company, Three is a major transnational Corporation headquarter'd in a tax Haven upon some fair tropical Isle."

"I must confess, dear Sir," quoth Clarissa, "that this Saying hath always been obscure to me."

"To me, Madame," quoth Mr. Peters in brisk Answer, " the Meaning is as Dark as the Armpit of the Lord of Mordor, but it hath a good Sound, which is more than sufficient for the Purposes of Aphorism."

And on this Note of Wisdom, he left us, but not without the strongest Injunctions that the Halfling be made ready for Sale, an Event which would take place within the half hour.

____________________________

Letter the Fifth, Post Two of Two

Notes

1This section on Elvish customs may seem like a pointless digression, but Mrs. Cleland was almost certainly attempting to accommodate her work to the conditions of the eighteenth-century book trade. It was widely believed that the editors of the most influential scholarly publication thought no article complete unless it contained some reference to Elves. Whether this belief was well founded or not, it caused nervous authors throughout the world to insert gratuitous Elvish references in their work for hundreds of years. For further references see my article, "Uncle Vanyar: the Persistence of Quendiphilia in Czarist Russia," (forthcoming in Comparative Third Age Studies, Autumn 2004). Back to the story.

2 This painful episode is the only part of the entire Osgiliath affair that Professor Tolkien saw fit to include in his adaptation of the Red Book. He transferred the action to Henneth Annûn, and assigned the role of the Goat to his interpolated character "Gollum," but the basic sequence of events may still be discerned in Tolkien's "The Forbidden Pool." It is difficult to know what to make of such wholesale changes to the source text. Possibly Professor Tolkien believed that the Goat would seem more sympathetic if he made it more like a hobbit in appearance, but the addition of Gollum forced Tolkien to change the narrative in other ways, most notably in its culmination at Mount Doom. Back to story

3 Professor Tolkien shows us dwarves eating meat on several occasions, but I have found nothing in Maria-Susannah Cleland's more complete text to support this inference on his part. Indeed, this little-known fact does much to explain why the Dwarvish waybread, cram, was so inferior to the Elvish recipe, lembas. As explained in an earlier note, lembas was prepared with a mixture of butter and lard; cram was made with safflower oil. Back to story.

__________________________________

Letter the Fifth, Post Two of Two