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Frodo Hill: Letter the Second

Frodo Hill: Letter the Second

Minas Ithil, 15 Víressë, Fourth Age 65

Madame,

I thank you, Madame, for your great Kindness in your last five Letters, in importuning me with such Earnestness to continue the Tale of Frodo Baggins's many Adventures in the City of Osgiliath. And indeed, you are to be congratulated on possessing such a Passion for the History of your Country.

For alas! too many Ladies of your tender Years care nothing for the Past, and Matters of the greatest Seriousness make less Impression on the airy Substance of their Minds than the butterfly Trivialities of the Moment: viz., the latest Fashions, or billet-doux from poor infatuated Youths, or idle Stories concerning the Romances of strolling Players. But to a superior Mind such as yours, Madame, all Gossip is but a Noise, and Datalounge a mere Nothing; the spirit of Calumny shall crawl abash'd at your Feet, and the siren Song of Teen People fall upon deaf Ears. (1)

But a Curiosity concerning the great Events of History is quite another Matter, and Heaven forbid that I should discourage you in such an innocent and disinterested Pursuit. I shall therefore continue my Tale, and shall not forebear offering, on occasion, those useful Reflexions, which your dear Mother has told me were by far the most valuable Parts of my previous Letter. For the Study of History is suited above all others to foster both the Brilliance of your Intellect and the Purity of your Morals.

And so to my Tale. In my last Letter I explain'd how the fair Halfling Frodo Baggins had been bound -- helpless, but not unwilling -- to a Table, his arms tied above his Head at the Wrists, his Breath coming in sharp Gasps whilst there travelled, down his naked heaving Breast, the Tongues of --

But soft, I see that I have lost my Place in my Notes, and skipp'd to quite another part of the Tale. Or nay, 'tis another Tale entirely from about the same Time, the Hero of which is not Frodo at all, but a distant Cousin of his. I must implore your Pardon, Madame, and can only Plead as my Excuse, that my Mind is so overcome by the Greatness of my Theme, that at Times it staggers beneath the awful Burden. I may thus be prone to one or two such Errors in the Course of this my Narration.

To continue: in my last Letter, I explain'd, how our little Community of Ladies had most unaccountably been imprison'd in our own House, along with a poor unfortunate Halfling, his name as yet unknown to us. For some Minutes after the Door had been lock'd we stood amaz'd, unsure of what to do; and for the first Time in my Tenure at that House, not a single Lady amongst us had a Word to say.

But at last, a Sound was heard, like unto a Wind, born as a distant Murmuring amid the Peaks of far-off Mountains, then of a sudden gathering Strength, and Power, until it drives all Things before it in a Rush of Thunder, as every Lady in the Room commenced Speaking at the same Time.

So great was the Confusion caus'd by this unexampled auditory Phenomenon that I know not what sage and doubtless valuable Reflexions were made. At length, however, one of the Ladies determin'd that her Feelings were in such violent Disarray as to require the calming and beneficent Effects of the Brandy with which our Bower was fortunately well supplied. To the other Ladies her Plan seem'd the product of Reason and good Sense. Within a very few Moments some Degree of Order had been achiev'd, as the restorative Powers of this marvellous Fluid took hold.

And since the brilliant Clarissa opined that the poor Halfling's Cure might perchance be more speedily effected by this Means, one of the Ladies cradled his lovely Head in her Lap, whilst another poured a generous Portion of the Brandy down his Throat. And all the Ladies were greatly cheer'd when the sweet Sufferer down'd his Medicine with scarce any Choking to speak of, and a most pleasing Colour crept into his lovely sleeping Visage. So delighted were the Ladies by Clarissa's Sagacity, that another Round of the Brandy was felt to be Essential for the purpose of Honouring her with a Toast, during which an appreciative Speech detailing her many sterling Qualities was spoken by the fair Amelia with great Eloquence and Feeling, to the Applause of All.

Yet the Seriousness of our Situation could by no Means be denied. "Alas!" Amelia at length exclaim'd, casting her bright Eyes toward the Heavens as she drain'd the last Drop from her Flagon. "Who amongst us would have dreamt, but one short Hour since, that we should be imprison'd in this Chamber with no means of Egress, save the front Door, the back Door, the north Window, the east Window, the bathing Chamber, and the secret Passage?"

And the other Ladies concurred that this was a Circumstance both surprising and unwelcome.

"And yet," said the wise Clarissa, taking a well-measured Swig from the Bottle in her Hand, "it may be that some one amongst these Exits hath escaped the Malice of our Enemies. Is't possible, that one or two of them hath been through some Inadvertency left unattended?"

Several of the Ladies leapt at once to discover the Answer to this astute Question. Yet soon they declar'd, to the Sorrow of us all, that the Front and Back Doors were both lock'd. The Windows were too high off the Ground to make Escape thro' them a practicable Matter, and what is more, the Alley beneath them was lined with sharp Spikes, install'd some Years before by the foresighted Mr. Peters. For he wish'd to prevent any Customer of the House from attempting an over-hasty Departure which might prevent him from paying his Fee. As for the bathing Chamber, it had but a single Door, that one leading from our own Room, with both Light and Air supplied by a Skylight well out of our Reach, being a full twenty Feet off the Floor.

"It seems, then, Ladies," quoth Clarissa, when this sad News had been reported, "that we are imprison'd indeed, and must await the Will and Pleasure of our Captors."

"Alas!" said Amelia, and several of the other Ladies join'd her in this Exclamation of Dismay. And it was determined among them, that to lessen the Shock of their Disappointment it would be necessary to have further Recourse to the Brandy.

But at this Moment Seleta stood, tossing aside an empty Flask with a rapid Motion of her Wrist. "But what," she inquired, "of the secret Passage?"

"Speak of it not!" said Amelia with a shudder, "for it is dark, and close, and we know not whither it leads."

" Madame, I must confess that you surprise me," cried Seleta, "for I would have imagin'd that at some point in the Past, you would have given more Thought to a Matter so likely to be crucial to our Health and Safety."

"But, my Dear," interposed Clarissa with great Patience, "if we knew whither the secret Passage led, 'twould no longer be a Secret."

To this Remark Seleta gave at first no Answer, but paced back and forth with Symptoms of no inconsiderable Agitation: viz., she snapp'd open her Fan, and waved it with such Vigour that she disarranged the Coiffures of several Ladies who stood by. At length she snapp'd it shut again so hard that it quite flew from her Hand.

"Madame," quoth she as she bent to retrieve it, "your Logic is impeccable, as always, but I cannot but wonder, if at this Turn in our Affairs it might be better to sacrifice the Thrill of Secrecy for the Possibility of a Quick Escape. For I find, on the most careful Consideration of the Matter, that the Romance of domestic Architecture holds for me less Appeal than the Survival of my Person, and that on the whole, I would prefer the slight Inconveniency of a close Passage to the Agony of Death at Sword's-point."

And it seem'd to some of the Ladies that they detected in her Manner some few Notes of Sarcasm not conducive to the continued Harmony of our little Society. Two of the younger Ladies then declar'd that they would brave the secret Passage, arm'd only with their Courage and a single Candle. Their Sacrifice to the Cause of Peace was much praised by all the others, who encouraged them in their Endeavours by offering them another portion of the Brandy before they undertook a Task of such Peril.

And since these Ladies had already partaken of this refreshing Beverage several times, their Daring knew no bounds, and they declar'd that they cared not a Fig for Danger, and that they laughed at Darkness. And laugh indeed they did for some Moments, and with such Violence, that they could not keep their Candle lit. They laugh'd, as well, as they sought without Success to open the Panel wherein the Entrance to the secret Passage lay conceal'd; and they laugh'd, when Clarissa most kindly open'd it for them; and they laugh'd, too, as they contorted themselves so as to fit within an Opening no more than two Foot high. But even in this they at last succeeded, despite a certain degree of Inattention that seem'd to have overcome them in their Fit of Mirth. For these particular Ladies had most faithfully practic'd the Exercises recommended by Dwarvish Authors, to make their Persons more flexible.

When at last they had gone, several among the Ladies bethought themselves once more of the Comfort of their poor unfortunate Guest, who still lay upon the Couch, his Head in the Lap of the Lady who had play'd such an important Role in the Administration of his Medicine. And since that Moment, she had heroically resisted all Suggestions that she quit her Post, and had taken little Part in the urgent Conferences that swirl'd around her, but had instead made herself useful, by running her Fingers continually thro' the Halfling's soft Curls. For doubtlessly she felt that he might in this gentle Manner be waken'd.

Yet her efforts were of no Avail, and to some of the Ladies the Halfling's continued Slumber seem'd a matter of the gravest Concern. For as Seleta observ'd, the Noise in the Room in the past half Hour ought to have been enough to wake the Dead. But for some Moments the Relevance of this Remark to the question of the Halfling's Health was lost, as several Ladies instead began a spirited Debate on the great Inconveniencies that might be brought about by such a Resurrection of the Departed as Seleta had mention'd. Several among the Ladies inquired whether, in the Case of a sudden Reappearance of the Dead among us, the natural Joy of a Reunion with lost dear ones could possibly counterbalance the great and natural Surprise such an Eventuality would cause. Other Ladies of a more technical turn of Mind were concern'd with the tremendous Confusion that would ensue regarding Questions of Ownership and legal Title. And one Lady had just launch'd into a most intriguing and detailed Dissertation regarding the Law of Primogeniture, when the fair Amelia sigh'd, and said, "Surely, our sweet Prisoner should have stirr'd by now. Is there aught else we can do to aid him?"

"'Tis said," one of the younger Ladies suggested, "that in many Instances of this Kind, Success hath been achieved by Means of a healthful and refreshing Bath."

"Indeed," cried another, "the Blessings of Union with the Lord of Waters can hardly be overestimated, in returning the Disordered Humours to their natural State of Balance and Purity."

And the other Ladies at once concurr'd that this Suggestion seem'd both pious and practical. But the fair Amelia nearly dash'd the Hopes this had rais'd, when she pointed out an Obstacle that stood in the Way of this most ingenious Plan of a Bath, to wit: the Halfling's Clothes.

"Perchance," quoth Seleta, "'tis our Duty to remove them."

"Indeed," said Amelia with some small Hesitation, "the Halfling's labour'd Breathing would doubtless be eas'd, were we to relieve him of the Encumbrance presented by his Shirt."

"Nay Madame," quoth Seleta, "you meet me but half-way, for if he were to be immersed wholly in Water whilst still clad in any Manner, the Damage caus'd by the resultant Dampness and Weight so close to his tender Skin could scarce be calculated."

"Surely, Madame, you are not suggesting that we must strip this poor defenceless Creature of every Shred of his Clothing?" Amelia demanded with some Heat. "That we expose to View all that soft Flesh, of which we can now see only the smallest Portion? That the graceful outlines of his Figure should be reveal'd, which the curious Eye can now trace only with the greatest Difficulty thro' these intervening Layers of Cloak and Breeches? That thus stripp'd, he should lie before us in the careless Attitude of Sleep, whilst his Modesty can take no Alarm at his Situation, and he cannot conceal, even by Means of the ineffectual Interposition of his slender Hand, those sweetest of all of nature's Treasures?

"Indeed, Madame," quote Seleta, "you have taken my Meaning exactly."

A short Pause ensued as we all of us, within the innermost Chambers of our Thoughts, earnestly consider'd this Idea and examin'd it closely from every possible Angle. At length the fair Amelia spoke. "Perhaps," quoth she, "'tis our Duty, indeed."

"Indeed it is, my Dears," concurred the grave Clarissa. "And greatly am I hearten'd, Ladies, to see you refuse to let an ill-applied Modesty blind you to the Claims of good Sense and true Charity. To me the Conclusion is irresistible that we should be most derelict in our Duty toward a suffering fellow Creature, if within the next two Minutes he be not utterly naked."

And so great was Clarissa's influence among us that several of the Ladies succeeded in overcoming their Repugnance toward the hateful Task before them, and rush'd forward at once to perform it, being prevented only when each found her Way block'd by some one of the others. There follow'd a Dispute, the Details of which I shall pass over. For Peace was very shortly restored, and the Wounds suffered by several of the Ladies, whilst this Matter of Precedence was settled, were not Mortal, nor likely to cause any lasting Harm, nor produce any Scars, or at least none in very obvious Places.

At the last, however, 'twas Amelia whose soft Fingers were thought best to undertake the Task of removing the Halfling's shirt, whilst Clarissa busied herself about his Breeches. But just as she touch'd the Lacings of this most interesting Garment, we were all of us startl'd by a most alarming Noise from the Direction of the secret Passage. Wild Screams rent the Air, intermix'd with a dreadful Sound, which was all the more fearsome, as we none of us could imagine what it might be. No Dragon startl'd by the Theft of its Gold, no Orc impal'd upon a Spear and left for Dead, no Lady dismay'd by an ill-punctuated Tale, could possibly produce a Sound more calculated to chill the Soul and fill the Heart with Dread than the one we then heard.

"Lady preserve us!" cried Amelia.

And in truth, Madame, I knew not whether Terror or Pity was uppermost in my Mind at that Time, for it did not seem possible that the Ladies in the Passage, who in truth were no more than Girls my own Age, could survive whatever Calamity had befallen them. For when they fac'd the Danger, they must both have been so befuddl'd by Drink as to be incapable of overcoming a Difficulty of even the most modest Degree: viz., the mending of a favourite Gown, or the nursing of a dearly loved Pet, or the sad Necessity of calculating their quarterly Taxes.

Yet no Time was granted us to evolve a Plan for their Rescue, for the Door from the Passage burst open from the Inside, and out Popp'd the first Lady, her face flush'd, her Eyes wild with Fear, her Clothes torn and in disarray, her Hair falling in loose Ringlets about her face.

"It -- " she exclaim'd.

But before she could complete this sagacious Reflexion on her present Circumstance, the other Lady tumbl'd down on top of her, and for a Moment they crawl'd over each other in their haste to escape whatever Thing it was that pursued them.

"Heaven be praised, they are safe!" cried Clarissa, diving with the most exquisite Grace into a large Wardrobe as far as from the Passage as possible.

"But alas! What Thing lurks behind them?" said Amelia, as she skipp'd, with a Rapidity that astonish'd us All, to a secure Place behind the largest Couch in the Room.

"For the love of the Lady," cried Seleta, "lock the damn Door!"

And at this moment, Madame, you must permit me a short Digression. I have not conceal'd from your Notice that the Language used by Seleta on this Occasion departed in some Respects from that strict Purity which, as your dear Mother has often told you, always distinguishes the Speech of a true Lady.

To appear before the Publick with such an Expression on one's Tongue may not be quite so dreadful as certain other Offences: viz., the Corruption of a Child, the Murder of an Innocent, or the Writing of a Songfic. But a true Lady will nevertheless search thro' her Memory for some alternate Means of communicating her Sentiments. My Devotion to the Cause of Truth has compell'd me to record Seleta's precise Words in this single Instance. But nothing, Madame, could be further from my Mind than to imply that this Sort of Behaviour may ever be fully excus'd, even when, as at this particular Instance, the Speaker is inwardly persuaded that she faces certain Death within a very few Moments.

To forestall, then, the odious Insinuation, that I wish to promote this Style of Language, I shall in future refrain from writing out any such Epithets as may occur in the course of my Tale, and shall content myself with representing them by Means of a Dash, thus: -----.

But to my Tale. We all of us noted to our Horror that each of the Ladies thought that another had carried the fair Halfling to Safety, and he now lay fully expos'd to whatever Thing might emerge from the Passage. And of the two or three Ladies who had been in the Vicinity of the Door, not one evinced the slightest Intention of remaining there for that Period of Time essential to the Action of Locking it.

"Silly ------------ing ----------s!" Seleta exclaim'd. "May you be --------ed by the -------- of a ----------- until you barely can --------- in a pot!"

"Madame," came the muffled Voice of Clarissa from within the Wardrobe, "I most earnestly advise you to moderate your Language, and recollect that there are younger Ladies present."

"Indeed, Madame," said Amelia, her dulcet Tones floating gently up from behind the Couch, "I must confess that I cannot see the Necessity -- "

"Oh -------- you all!" cried Seleta. And with a Scream of Rage most dreadful to hear, she drew her Stiletto from her Bosom, and lunged boldly toward the fateful Passage. But alas! -- she was too late, for we saw to our Dismay, that the Door flung open. Then all was a Blur of Noise and Motion, in which Seleta's screams and the hoarse Cries of some Monster were combin'd in Cacophony of Horror. We could see naught but the Tangle of Seleta's skirts with the sharp Horns and hairy Limbs of an Opponent moving too quickly to be discern'd. Her Stiletto wav'd thro' the Air, but to no Avail, for she could get no Purchase, until at Last there appear'd before our astonish'd Eyes the appalling Spectacle of Seleta prone upon the Floor, quite vanquish'd: pinn'd, writhing and helpless, beneath her Antagonist. For there upon her Chest there rear'd in Triumph -- the Goat!

The Ladies gaz'd upon them for some Moments in utter Silence, which the Goat eventually broke, for it gloried in its Victory with a Bleating so loud it might have been heard in the next Street.

"----------," quoth Seleta.

At this Juncture it must be confess'd, that there were some among the Ladies so ungenerous as to snigger at Seleta's Predicament. But both Peace and Seleta's Dignity were soon restor'd, for Clarissa emerged from her Wardrobe, and Amelia from behind her Couch, and shortly thereafter Seleta once again assum'd the upright Posture of a rational Creature. For the brilliant Clarissa succeeded in coaxing the Goat away with a well-timed Offer of Brandy, a Beverage of which this Creature was inordinately Fond.

But once it had enjoy'd this Libation, we were much puzzl'd as to what to do with the Creature. For all Efforts to Capture it failed. It skipp'd about the Room in our Defiance, and leapt nimbly among the Chests that Captain Faramir's Men had left. And to our great Disquiet, no Manner of Persuasion that we tried, viz., Screaming and Pulling at its Hair, would in the Least dissuade it from chewing upon the large roll'd-up Carpet that was not the least valuable Item of the Captain's in our Keeping. Tho' our Displeasure was quite obvious, it stretch'd out its Neck, put back its Ears, and stood firm, continuing to Chew with the clear and fix'd Purpose of an Animal that intends to continue in its present Course until the Seas dry and the Heavens fall.

For its Mettle was high, and its Anger at the young Ladies who had disturb'd it had by no means subsided. They had earlier found, (so they told us), that the secret Passage led but to the Goat's Shed, which occupied the largest Part of a Courtyard embowel'd within innermost part of the House. The only other Exit from this Courtyard was lock'd, which Circumstance left the Ladies quite without Hope.

Most dismay'd had they been to find themselves there, for altho' it was exposed to the outer Air, 'twas most Dreary, and not at all the sort of Place where we any of us would wish to turn for Refuge or conceal our fair Guest, not if a band of Orcs were the Pursuers. It was remarkable of this Courtyard that not the smallest Blade of Grass grew between the Paving-stones, nay, nor even the slightest bit of Moss commonly found in such Places. For not a single living Thing would grow within the dark Dominion of the Goat.

To resolve this Mystery, Madame, I fear that I must explain one or two Matters, not ordinarily the Subject of genteel Conversation, and yet of great Importance to us at that Time. I therefore implore you, if you are perusing this Letter before your first life-giving Cup of morning Coffee, or after an Evening of Indulgence has perchance left you in a somewhat Fragile Condition, to skip over the next two Paragraphs entirely, for they will do little to improve, and much to exacerbate, any slight feelings of Dizziness and Nausea you might feel under those Circumstances.

It was chiefly for this Reason that the Ladies now took alarm at the presence of such a Creature among us, however fond of it we were in general as a Being far more rational than many of our Customers. For Clarissa had long cherished a favorite Ficus which, we all of us concurr'd, quite transform'd our Chamber into a little sylvan Paradise. And Amelia lov'd to nourish a most curious Collection of miniature Trees, said to be imported from the uttermost East. Both of these Ladies fear'd greatly, that the Influence of the Goat in our Room would very shortly reduce their vegetable Darlings to Matter fit only for Compost.

Yet to our great Distress, there was naught we could do or say to encourage it to return to its Shed. And very shortly Fate interven'd in such a Way as to make the Goat's Departure even less likely than before. For just as we had despair'd of our Attempts to drag it back to the Passage, the Goat startl'd, like one struck by lightning. Its Eyes widened, its Mouth hung open, it stood trembling in ev'ry Limb, and it stared like one possess'd at somewhat across the Room.

Following the direction of the animal's Gaze, we at once determin'd that its Attention had been attracted by the fair slumbering Halfling in our midst. And indeed, with a single emphatic Bleat the Goat leapt from the Chest where it stood, and gambolled to the Halfing's Couch. It settled itself at once beside on the Floor below, and plac'd its Chin upon the Halfling's Lap. Gently it butted at his Hand, until the Halfing, doubtless following some inner Instinct, commenced scratching it between the Ears.

And heavens, Madame! I can scarce describe the Look of Extasy upon the Face of the Goat, at being touch'd in such an intimate Manner by a Being, the very Sight of whom had clearly pierced the uttermost Depth of its caprine Soul. It close'd its Eyes, and submitted utterly to these soft Caresses, allowing even such gentle Touches as these to push hither and thither the fearsome hornèd Head that had, of late, been so Obdurately under the Control of its own Will. With an Expression of ineffable Pleasure it bleated quietly, punctuating these Effusions every now and again with a soft Snort of Joy.

And thus, Madame, we see that even the most irate Disposition may finally be conquer'd by Love: for it is the will of Elbereth that each Creature should be united to each by Bonds of Affection, which only the evilest of Beings would for any Reason wish to throw off.

Many of the Ladies thought this Behaviour merely confirm'd their already high Opinion of the Goat's Intelligence and good Taste. But not all were pleas'd by this Turn of Events. Tho' Seleta laugh'd heartily in a Corner, Amelia look'd puzzled, and Clarissa frown'd, and said some Words to the Effect, that her heart misgave her to see a Love between Members of two Species so very different, a Love which seem'd Objectionable for Reasons too numerous to be mention'd.

Still, it was perchance the Influence of this Force of Love -- the strongest Power that the Valar hath granted us, in combating the Forces of Evil -- that accounted for what happened next. For to our very great Joy, the Halfling at last stirr'd, quite of his own Accord, without the Aid of Brandy or any other Substance, whether natural or magical. His Eyelids fluttered, and at last they opened, and in a clear voice he spoke.

"Where am I? And what is the Time?" quoth he.

Instantly the Goat was forgot by All, saving perhaps Itself, and our sole Thought was to Minister to the Halfling's Comfort. 'Twas Clarissa who gently inform'd him, that while he was, like all of us, alas! a Prisoner, he was by no means in any immediate Peril, and indeed, was to consider himself as surrounded only by Friends. He nonetheless show'd great Concern at this News, and wish'd to know whether any other Creature like himself had been captured along with him. To this Question we could give him no certain Answer, and at that he seem'd most distress'd. We all at once suppos'd that the other Halfing he so long'd for was in fact the mysterious Sam of whom he had earlier spoken in such impassion'd Terms.

Great as our Curiousity was to learn more of this lucky Recipient of the fair Halfing's Love, we determin'd among us, by an unspoken Agreement, that to ask the Halfling to speak of such Matters now would only distress him in his current delicate state of Health. Fortunately the fair Amelia hit upon a suitable Distraction, for she inquir'd whether he was at all Hungry. And he gravely replied that he thought it not impossible, if Food were put before him, that he might eat of it.

At this several of the Ladies leapt into Action, and very shortly the Halfling had been supplied with such Food as could be had in a City long under Siege; being only a light Collation of Tea, Brandy, spiced Apples, honeyed Cakes, a large Wheel of Cheese, and the better part of a Chicken lightly roasted and Dressed with Pepper and Sage. All of which he ate with a Speed and Relish astonishing in a Creature so small. And when the Ladies noted that he was looking about for more, they offer'd him another Chicken, which he accepted and consumed within the Space of a very few Minutes.

These Signs of a return to Health greatly cheer'd us all, most particularly the Goat: for this Animal had never left its dear one's Side. And so great was the power of the Love that burn'd in its hairy Breast, that it did not even attempt, or only some three or four Times, to nibble upon the Foodstuffs meant for the fair Object of its Affections.

Scarce had the Halfling finished his well-deserv'd Meal when the front Door open'd, and in came Mr. Peters. Most happy were the Ladies at first to see the Owner of the House at last, for we saw him as a possible Means of Deliverance from our Ordeal. We therefore cluster'd round him, and ask'd a thousand Questions, regarding the Fate of the Halfling, and ourselves. But I must confess, Madame, that his Replies seem'd to us most unsatisfactory, for he could tell us only that Captain Faramir had most urgently requested, or indeed commanded, that the Halfling be kept here, and that the Secresy necessary in his Case made it imperative that we be imprison'd as well.

"I am sorry, my Dears," quoth he, "but I can do Nothing, for as you know we are entirely Dependent upon the Captain's good Will. Indeed, the whole Matter is a great Inconvenience to me, for the House will lose much Custom thereby, and that Expense will not be Inconsiderable." And he then commenced grumbling about Taxes, and Overhead, and other such Matters. He was soon cheer'd, however, when Clarissa suggested that much of the Shortfall might be made up, if some three or four of us were to meet in Private with trusted Clients. And for some time the two of them busied themselves over tallying Figures, at the end of which Mr. Peters' mood had lightened considerably.

But this ray of Sunshine in the pecuniary Darkness soon flicker'd and died, for no sooner did Mr. Peters cast his Eyes upon the Halfling, than he saw the Remains of the very considerable Feast to which he had just been treated. "By Aulë's Anvil!" he cried, "what Profligacy is this? The Captain warn'd me that Creatures such as this Halfling eat rather more than might be expected, but this! Why, the Creature hath just devour'd three times his own Weight in luxurious Foodstuffs! We shall all be quite impoverish'd if he remains among us longer than two Days. This is a Greed unparallel'd in the Annals of Appetite!"

The Halfling most humbly apologized for his Behaviour, and said that he had not intended to cause the least Inconveniency to his kind Hosts, but had eaten so freely, only because such a Meal would be consider'd as a light Luncheon in his own Country.

"Tears of Nienna!" Mr. Peters exclaim'd. "Well, it matters not what the Captain hath said. I cannot permit a House that I have built up with such Care to be brought to Ruin on your Account. If you are to stay here, Halfling, then like these Ladies, you must earn your Keep and meet with Clients in Private."

"Happily will I do anything that might help such generous Hosts defray the Expenses associated with my stay," said the Halfling. "You need only tell me, Sir, what Business it is that you and these kind Ladies do here, and I shall in turn do my best to assist you."

At this Mr. Peters chuckl'd. "You mean to say you do not know? Well, these Ladies that you see are what we term here in Gondor, Women of Pleasure."

"Indeed," quoth the Halfling with the greatest Politeness; and it was quite Evident that he had no more Notion of what was meant by this Expression, than if Mr. Peters had spoken it in Dwarvish.

"I mean," Mr. Peters explain'd, "that they are Ladies of the Night."

"Vampires?" inquired the Halfling, showing for the first Time a certain Degree of Unease.

"Nay, Sir," said Mr. Peters with some Impatience, "they are Votaries of Venus; they are Emissaries of Love; they are fair Ministers to the Amatory Impulse -- " (2)

"What he means, Sir," quoth Seleta from her Corner, "is that we are all of us -------s."

A moment of Silence follow'd this blunt Remark. And Madame, I will confess that for the first Time in some Months, I felt some Degree of Shame regarding my Profession. My rational Mind had long believ'd that this Choice was by no means the Worst I might have made as I was then circumstanc'd. Yet somewhat about this Halfling made me anxious for his good Opinion. Like many of the other Ladies, I fear'd that he might condemn such a Choice as ours, and be both shock'd and horrified at the Suggestion that he should make the same Choice himself.

The Halfling glanced about the Room, looking from one to the other of us. At this Moment he happen'd to catch my Eye, and to my great Astonishment, he smil'd. He then turned to Mr. Peters. "I can think," he declar'd, "of no Profession more sublimely generous, nor one so wholly devoted to the Happiness of Others."

And the Relief that I and some of the other younger Ladies felt is not to be describ'd. It is all very well to assert, with the Boldness of Youth, that one stands free and independent of the World's Opinion; but in Truth, Madame, the Opinion of the best part of it is not to be disdain'd, nor should it be, by any Person who retains the least Degree of Feeling and self-Respect.

But the Halfling's great Kindness and Esteem for us could not conceal his Trepidation regarding his own immediate Fate. "Despite my great Reverence for this Calling," quoth he, "I must protest, Sir, that I am unworthy of the Honour you propose. For -- " and here the Halfling cast down his Eyes, and his fair Face was suffused with Blushes, "Your Customers would find little Satisfaction, I fear, in my Endeavours, for I must confess -- " and the Halfling's voice sank to a Murmur so low that we all strain'd to hear it -- "that I am an utter Stranger, Sir, to the Arts of Love."

"Mercy on us!" cried Amelia. "A Virgin!"

"A Choice hardly to be condemn'd," declar'd Clarissa, "for a Creature in whom the finest Feeling and most exquisite Virtue are so plainly united."

To this Seleta said Nothing, but twisted her Stiletto in her Hands, and look'd most sharply at Mr. Peters from the Corners of her Eyes. And indeed, Madame, the dark Suspicions that she must have been revolving in her Mind were instantly confirm'd by the unabash'd Glee with which Mr. Peters greeted the Halfling's Confession.

"A Virgin!" quoth he. "Now there is a Commodity as rare as Mithril, and even more Valuable. By Tulkas's Horn! We shall soon make up this Shortfall, and better than that! This Virginity shall be sold before the Night is out! And then, Sir, I assure you, you may have all the Chicken you please, and welcome to it. Indeed," and here he cackl'd at his own Wit, "you shall yourself be the --"

"-- surely, Sir," Amelia interpos'd, "there are not any, among our regular trusted Clients, so heartless as to purchase such a Thing from one unwilling?"

"As to unwilling, the Halfling hath just declar'd himself to be willing, or do you assume, Madame, that I have grown either deaf or forgetful?" said Mr. Peters very hastily, not pausing to give the Halfling or anyone else any Time to revisit this Question now that the Nature of the House's Business had been made clear. "And as to which of our Customers might do such a thing, well, Madame, I have not been in this Business these thirty years and learn'd nothing of Men's Hearts. It is quite evident to me that Captain Faramir would pay any Sum to make the Purchase, once given the Opportunity. He and several of his Men have engag'd to return within two Hours to see to the Spoils of Battle they have left in our Keeping. Surely the Captain will think it only fair that I should be recompens'd for both my Trouble and Cost, by the Auctioning off of a Commodity so much in the way of my regular Business."

"I fail to understand," quoth Clarissa, "why the Captain should permit you to sell to him the Virginity of his own Prisoner."

And to all of us this Inquiry seem'd an astute one, but Mr. Peters had a quick Answer. "A wise question, Madame," quoth he, "and one that shows both your Acuity in Questions of Property, and your Ignorance of the human Heart. Seeds of Yavanna! Many Men such as the Captain require some Excuse to pursue their fondest Desires, and it matters not if that Excuse is transcendently silly. For they can only indulge their Passions if they throw some Sop to their Reason, and what Sop that may be, in Truth matters not."

"Yet surely that very Reason will prevent them from following such a rash course of Action," quoth Clarissa. "For Reason is the crowning Jewel with which the Valar have adorn'd our Minds, and it may illuminate for us the most sublime Mysteries of the Universe, if we will but let it."

To this noble Sentiment all the Ladies nodded Agreement, but Mr. Peters responded with a loud Guffaw. "Reason, indeed!" cried he. "Reason, forsooth! Only think, Madame, what a convenient Thing it is to be a Reasonable Creature! For it enables us to find or make a Reason, for anything we have a Mind to do." (3)

Still chuckling, he left the Room, and locked the Door behind him.

And on Mr. Peters' abrupt Departure, we were all of us left in a state of great Agitation and Suspense. For such Coldness as Mr. Peters had just shown to the Cause of Truth and Justice seem'd greatly different from the Warmth and Kindness with which he previously had Treated us all. And we wonder'd whether the Captain, even changed as he was, could indeed be so cruel as to do what Mr. Peters proposed. And we wondered, too, whether all Chance of Escape was indeed barr'd to us.

And most of all we wonder'd by what strange Fate it was possible, that this Halfling, a Creature so fair that the very Stars must pause in their Courses to behold him, could for his entire Life have remain'd a Virgin. To most us it seem'd that this Fact contradicted all that we knew of the Wiles of Men. For unless the Halfling had lived all his Life in some dark Hole in the Ground, we could not have been the first to be near dumbstruck by his Beauty. There must surely have been Many, in the Past, who did their Uttermost to obtain whatever they wish'd from this Creature who was not only fair, but amiable almost to a fault.

§   §   §  

But the Answers to these Questions, and most particularly this last, must wait until another Letter, for I see that this one hath already gone on much longer than I had planned. Please thank your dear Mother for the lovely Mushrooms from her Kitchen-Garden; I hope, Madame, that you and she have found some small Recompense for that Gift in this Continuation of my Tale. I assure you, that if you wish, I shall indeed relate more of Frodo Baggins's Adventures just as soon as the Press of very urgent Business permits. For I am as always, Madame,

Your most obedient humble Servant,

Maria-Susannah

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Letter the Third

Notes

1. Datalounge was a fashionable London coffeehouse notorious for scandal from the 1730s through the 1770s. "Alas!" a young Edmund Burke declared, "if 'tis true that my Lord Rockingham's Treasury Bill hath been the general Talk amongst the Gentlemen of Datalounge, then 'tis scarce possible that the Motion shall be carried" (Burke's Letters, XXIV, 326 n. 15 et passim). As Tolkien did not translate this portion of the Red Book, it is not known to what Third Age equivalent Mrs. Cleland was referring with this eighteenth-century analogue. Back to story

2. It is not known which of the Valar Mrs. Cleland was translating as "Venus." Back to story

3. Mrs. Cleland here paraphrases a famous remark of Ben Franklin's. Back to story

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Letter the Third