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frodo hill

Letter the fifth and three-quarters

Frodo Hill: Letter the Fifth and Three-quarters

Minas Ithil, 30 Yavannië, Fourth Age 65

I thank you, Madame, for your three-and-fifty Letters; your great Passion for the Arts is evident in the mere Fact that you should find in your Day so much Time to implore others to Write. But alas! greatly as I love to indulge in experimental literary Forms, I must declare myself utterly incapable of adopting the narrative Strategy you propose: viz., to answer, within the confines of a single Page, your Questions on the outcome of the Tale.

Only consider, Madame, how very many Questions you included in your seventeenth Letter only. For you ask'd, would the fair Halfling find Happiness in the Arms of his dearly-lov'd Sam? Or would he be sold at Auction to Captain Faramir, in a surprising and possibly unwelcome Development? Would he surrender his Virginity to the same, immolating his Virtue in the Flames of the Captain's Desire? Would he tremble within the Captain's Embraces? Restrain a Cry and bite upon his Lip as the Captain sought to Ease the Passage of Love by first giving that Pleasure he sought to receive? Shudder, in combin'd Fear and Fascination, at the unexpected Strength that this courteous Gentleman fully unleash'd only on the Battlefield and the Bed of Passion? And thro' all this, would he succeed in preserving the gallant Captain from the dire Effects of the Curse of Ulmo, by thinking all the while only of his Sam?

Madame, you greatly overestimate the Power of Language, if you think so much Matter may be compress'd into so short a Space as you propose. To illustrate this Point, I shall answer as briefly as possible the Question that doubtless is the most urgent: viz., if a Halfling should at any Time be put on Sale, how much would such a Creature cost? Surely any Lady wishing to live within the Bounds of Frugality will pine for Illumination on this Point.

Yet even in a Case as simple as this, I find myself unable to oblige you without the greatest Difficulty. For so complex was the System of Currency in Use at that Time, that most Historians have despaired of communicating the details of even the simplest Transaction. Many a learned Writer has simply omitted all Mention of Trade: but if I took this Course, the Solid Core of my Meaning would be sublimated to mere airy Nonsense. I shall therefore proceed, indicating Monetary Amounts by the perhaps unsatisfactory Expedient of vague Approximations. I can only hope that you will pardon this Liberty in the interest of moving the Tale along at a reasonably rapid Pace: for there is Nothing, dear Madame, more repellent to the Genius of Narrative than an unnecessary Explication upon Matters of Finance.

-- But to my Tale. At the Conclusion of my previous Letter, Mr. Peters was pounding most vigorously upon the Door, and insisting that the Auction of the Halfling's Virginity begin at Once. Most dismay'd were we all at the Thought that he might enter and discover in our Chamber one Halfling more that might be subjected to his arbitrary Power.

Yet so pleas'd were the Halflings in their new-found Happiness, that they attended to their Danger not at all, and stood as in a Trance, helpless: like unto a forest Deer that knows naught of the ravenous Wolf lurking nigh; or the innocent Child who knows naught of the wicked Uncle scheming to steal his Inheritance; or the oblivious Lady who knows naught of the rapacious Adware tracking her ev'ry Step.

"Ladies!" cried Mr. Peters, and so Loud was the Pounding now, that we easily deduced he must be kicking at the Door with all his Strength. "Have you no Courtesy? Have you been depriv'd of the Use of your Legs? Have you lost utterly your Grasp upon financial Reality?"

At the Mention of the pecuniary Foundation of this most recent Threat, the Halfling seem'd abruptly to come to his Senses, and with some Difficulty he disentangl'd his Limbs from his Lover's. "Sam!" cried he. "Conceal yourself at once! It is bad enough that my Virginity must be sold, but my Captor hath declar'd not half an Hour ago, that he would happily sell another Halfling if he could."

"Now, see here, Sir," quoth Sam, pulling Frodo toward him with great Force, "it seems to me, if you don't mind my saying so, that there's two or three windows in this room. With some time and a good bit of rope, we might . . ."

"Alas!" cried one of the younger Ladies station'd beside the Windows, "the Alley without is quite full of the Captain's Men."

"My dear Sir!" quoth Amelia, "many Things might be accomplish'd with Time and Rope, as we learn in the amorous Treatises of the Dwarves: but Rope we have none, nor Time either, for the Door may be shatter'd at any Second. All we may now do is conceal your Person as best we can from Mr. Peters, trusting that we shall have some early Opportunity to plead your Case before the Captain." And she put her Hands firmly on Sam's Shoulders, in an Attempt to drag him to Safety, but to her obvious Surprise he remain'd as immovable as a Boulder.

"Begging your pardon," quoth he, "but I'm thinking a good stout drainpipe would do just as well as rope, and quicker too. These Men may be a sight bigger than is good for them or us, but they're naught but great clumsy creatures in the dark, to my way of thinking. We might escape those men outside if we're quick and quiet, but we surely won't if we stay here. It's not sense, Mr. Frodo."

"Open the door!" Mr. Peters all but scream'd, and so Loud was the Sound of his Kicks, that we fear'd he would break the very Room to Pieces.

"Sam!" cried Frodo in a most urgent Tone, pushing his Lover away once more, "I beg of you, I care nothing for my own suffering: and amid so many great Men much accustom'd to Violence, I am forc'd to conclude that my immediate Sale is the sole Way we might preserve our Lives and thus continue on our Quest. But I could not bear to see you put in Danger, and your Danger would be much greater than my own. I am shielded from a sudden Assault by the Curse of Ulmo . . ."

"But my dear Sir!" protested one of the younger Ladies, "you surely would not doom our gallant Captain to a watery End, when it lies within your Power to do otherwise, by fixing the Idea of your Sam firmly in your Mind whilst you suffer the Captain's embraces?"

" I have for many Years held it as a most sacred Maxim," cried the Halfling, eyeing the shuddering Door with great Trepidation, "that none other, nay, even a Creature as vicious as my Cousin Blotho, should suffer for my Curse as long it was in my Power to prevent it; and yet now that such Power lies in my Hands, I confess that I know not what it might be best to do in such a Circumstance . . ."

"Hang the curse, and give the man a good hard kick where it hurts the most, I'll warrant," mutter'd Sam.

". . . but I do know we must make haste. For you, my dearest Sam, have no Protection from these Men whatever: and there is besides one greater cause of Fear. If this Mr. Peters believes he could obtain a good Price for me, only consider how much more implacably greedy he would become, when faced with the prospective Sale of a Hobbit who is truly beautiful."

"Mr. Frodo . . ." Sam began, but whatever Observation he might have made died upon his Lips, when he work'd out the Implications of his Master's Words as they applied to the Loveliness his own Person. His Shock was so great, that for a few crucial Moments he was struck near Senseless, and so severely did he blush at this Time that he resembl'd nothing so much as a Hobbit-sized Cherry.

This near-fructified State left him vulnerable to the kind-hearted Amelia, who at once seiz'd her Advantage and dragg'd him to a dark Corner of the Room. There three other Ladies held him fast, whilst, to my great Surprise and Dismay, another drew a silk Scarf from her Bosom and bound his Wrists to a large Bureau, declaring over his Protests that this Imprisonment was for his own Good and for that of his Master. 'Tis true that a more effectual hiding Place was not to be had within the Confines of our Chamber, for when these Ladies stood before him he was safely conceal'd by their Skirts from prying Eyes. Yet I must confess, Madame, that these particular Ladies were great Partisans of the Captain, and other Reasons may have lurk'd in their Hearts besides the blameless and charitable Sentiments upon their Lips.

Before this questionable Method of protecting Sam could be made a Topic of Debate, the Pounding upon our Door redoubled, and at the frantic Urgings of Clarissa, the rest of us at once did all in our Power to seem engag'd in our usual Pursuits: some Ladies took out Books, others their Pens; some brought out Easels and Paint, others musical Instruments, whilst around a large Table a number of Ladies commenc'd a game of Poker.

The Goat lurk'd in his Corner, his Cloud once again dark with the Promise of impending Rain. Meanwhile the poor Halfling was left standing alone in the Centre of the Room as before, to gather his Courage as best he could, and by the set of his Shoulders we could easily see, that at ev'ry moment he struggl'd not to turn and look toward the Corner where Sam lay conceal'd.

"Ladies," quoth Mr. Peters from without, and his Voice was now rough with Anger, "I am waiting; and the Captain's Men will break this Door down at once, if you do not open it forthwith."

"Alas, my dear Sir!" cried Seleta, raising her Head from the Album of erotic Postcards in which she had suddenly become absorb'd. "I fear that we lack the Means to grant your polite Request."

"And what, Madame," cried Mr. Peters, could you possibly lack, in a Bower so luxurious as to make the fam'd Pleasure-Palaces of Khazad-Dûm seem as Mean as a Shepherd's Cot?"

"I refer, Sir," quoth she, "to the Key; for as you surely must recollect, earlier this Evening you lock'd us in our Chambers from the Outside. Thus no matter how greatly we wish to oblige you, we could no more open this Door, than we could adorn one of the Nazgûl's fell Beasts in an evening Gown and Tiara, and train it to recite Free Verse whilst its dark Master accompanied it upon the Bongos."

Many of the Ladies express'd considerable Regret that the fell Beasts could not be made useful in this Way, but we had no Leisure to discuss the Merits of Seleta's plan. For the Sound of a determin'd Jingling of Keys issued from without the Door, and at last Mr. Peters enter'd, red-faced and panting. We all assum'd his first Thought would be for the Halfling, but no such Thing occurr'd. Slamming the Door behind him, he strode to Seleta and stood before her, Eyes flashing, his Hands planted firmly upon his Hips, his bare Feet (for this Gentleman always walked unshod) spread akimbo. In short, Madame, he was the very Picture of trembling Indignation, and we all of us quail'd before his Wrath.

"Madame," quoth he, speaking to Seleta, "I would have you know, that I knew the Door to be lock'd the whole Time; I merely wanted to see whether you Ladies were paying Attention."

"Sir," quoth she, "we always do. And should there be any further such Inconsistencies in your Actions, you may rest assur'd, that we shall be the first to call them to your Notice."

Mr. Peters harrumphed doubtfully at this, as if he were perchance not entirely grateful for the Privilege. "Madame," quoth he with a Frown, "I know it is your Habit, to insert any little Incidents as come to your Attention into some fanciful sort of a Tale. What you do with your Time is of course your own Affair, but I only hope that if this Episode should figure in any future Tale of yours, you would be so good as to give a complete Account of my Motives in this Matter."

"Sir," quoth she, calmly turning a Page in her Album, "my sole Wish is ever to oblige you, but such a protracted Explanation would utterly disrupt the Pacing of my Narrative."

"Harpstrings of Felagund! Madame, would you have me look an utter Fool?"

"I assure you, my dear Sir," quoth she with a Smile, "that I shall return to the Matter at greater Length in an extended Edition of my Tale, to be publish'd at some indefinite future Date, perchance a Decade or two after the happy Conclusion of this War."

And with this Answer Mr. Peters was forc'd to be content, tho' he plainly found it little to his liking. He mumbl'd some Words to the Effect, that by the distant Time propos'd, the Story would be forgot, all the Principals in their Graves, and his Reputation in Ruins among those few Persons who continued to give Thought to the Matter.

What further Observations he might have made I know not, for from behind him there came yet more Pounding upon our much-abus'd Door. "Halls of Mandos!" he exclaim'd. "That will be the Captain."

"Sir," quoth Clarissa, "'tis most urgent that I speak with the Captain before he proceeds on this rash and dangerous Course: for if he once touches the Halfling in the way of Love, I cannot answer for his Safety."

"Madame!" cried Mr. Peters, stopping dead in his Tracks, "you do mean to tell me, that this Creature hath somehow become infected with the Elvish Disease?" (1)

"Nay, Sir, certainly not," quoth Clarissa with a shudder, "that Danger, at least, is one from which a Being wholly innocent of amorous Congress must be entirely preserv'd."

"Then I fail to see," quoth Mr. Peters, "what possible Danger can be presented to the greatest Soldier in Gondor, by a Creature arm'd with naught but Beauty and a prodigious Appetite."

"But Sir -- " quoth Amelia.

"Bells of Valmar!" cried Mr. Peters. "Will there never be an End to your Chatter? Make yourself useful, Ladies, and fetch some Refreshment for our Guests, if indeed any Refreshments remain after the Inroads this rag-tag Creature hath made into our Supplies. As for you --" and here he swept the surpris'd Halfling up into his Arms, "you must be plac'd where you can properly be seen." With that he strode across the Room, puffing with the unaccustom'd Effort, and heav'd the Halfling atop the Table where the Ladies had been playing their Game, scattering their Decks of Cards and Flagons of Brandy in ev'ry Direction.

As several of the younger Ladies scrambl'd to provide the Foodstuffs Mr. Peters had requested, Clarissa seem'd prepar'd to make some additional Remark, but Mr. Peters silenced her with a Wave of his hand. "Now you Ladies must suffer this Auction to proceed without further Complaint," he declar'd, "and compose your Souls to a just Sense of the Gratitude you owe to this House. Only consider what Luxuries are provided for you here: your own richly furnish'd Chamber, your own Books, your own Foodstuffs: even -- " added he, with a sidelong Glance at the Goat and its attendant Cloud, "-- your own Weather, tho' it lies beyond the Comprehension of a simple Man such as myself, what Use you Ladies can find for such a Thing."

"Sir," quoth Clarissa, "this Goat . . ."

"Sir," quoth Amelia at the same Instant, "our agricultural Oeconomy . . ."

"Ladies!" cried Mr. Peters, gazing beyond them with a most shock'd Expression. "Look there, in the Bathing-chamber, as I hope to be sav'd! 'Tis the Prince of Mirkwood himself, engag'd in amorous Congress with the Sons of Elrond and a most Noble Stallion! I wonder what they intend to do with that Rope?"

With a mutual Gasp of Surprise, these two Ladies rush'd at once to the Bathing-chamber to investigate this extraordinary Phenomenon. But alas for their innocent and trusting Natures! No sooner had they pass'd thro' the Door, than Mr. Peters slamm'd it shut, and lock'd it fast against them!

We were all of us much distress'd that Mr. Peters would take such a violent and deceptive Course, not to mention disappointed that the Rumour he had started was quite untrue. But he seem'd satisfied with his own Actions. "That's two dealt with!" he declar'd. "As for you," he added, turning to Seleta, "spare me your Sarcasms, for I can recite 'em myself. Doubtless you are just about to say, that you are appall'd to see your two Friends so unjustly imprison'd."

"Quite the Contrary, Sir," quoth she. "To my Mind, their sudden Confinement in a Room of sybaritic Luxury is but a small Price to pay for extending Credit to a Ruse that should not have fool'd a new-born Lamb."

To this Observation Mr. Peters responded with a Snort that may or may not have been a Laugh. "Madame," quoth he, "may I depend upon your Silence in this Matter?"

"Sir," quoth she, "I had no Plan to give a Speech on this particular Evening."

For some Reason Mr. Peters did not seem eager to accept this innocent Statement at its face Value. "Madame," quoth he, "if I hear one single Word from you this Night, I assure you, that I shall lock you in a Room alone, tie you to a Chair, and there, over a Period of several Days, read to you aloud an Epic in Verse I have myself compos'd, on the immortal Subject of Tort Reform."

At these dreadful Words the Ladies moan'd with Terror, and all the Colour drain'd from Seleta's Face. Her Expression was a Mask of Fear, and we all of us could easily see, that e'en a Spirit as wild as her own might be cow'd by the Threat of bad Poetry.

A Gentleman of Mr. Peters' Profession could not long flourish, without being an astute Student of human Nature, or at least of those two harsh Masters that so oft hold our better Qualities in Thrall: viz., Desire and Fear. He thus satisfied himself from Seleta's Looks, that she would do naught to oppose him. With one last Glare of Warning at the rest of us, he hurried to the Door, and flung it open at last.

The Hall without was throng'd with Soldiers, but these were order'd to stand Guard outside our Chamber, permitting the Auction to proceed undisturb'd. Thus the two Gentlemen who first enter'd were Bidders invited by Mr. Peters, and at that Time scarce known to us; for our House was fam'd for its Gentility and Decorum, whereas these Gentlemen, if Gentlemen they could be call'd, would not in the ordinary Way find at our House a hospitable Reception. For they belong'd to those Dregs of Humanity that sometimes gain Prominence in a Country long at War. The first was the Master of a Gambling-House on the other Side of the City: the Kind of Human Vampire who Feeds upon the Credulity of the very Soldiers engag'd to defend his Country, robbing them of what poor Pay they receive at the Risk of their very Lives.

As to the other, he was an Attorney.

Behind these two Creatures came the Captain, who would at first by no Means suffer himself to be led to a Seat at the Table, but hesitated long upon the Threshold of our Chamber. Our first Thought, upon seeing him, was that ev'ry Hour since he had left our Chamber was writ upon his Face like Years; faint blue Shadows could be trac'd beneath his Eyes, and his normal Glow of Spirits seem'd much subdu'd. He would not meet the Gaze of any Lady in the Room, nor would he speak to his strange Companions. For these Men plainly had ne'er enjoy'd the Captain's Company until summon'd to this Auction. In Short, the Captain appear'd even more distant than before, and far from anticipating the Auction with Delight, he seem'd dismay'd by the Place, the Persons, and the Occasion.

Yet his grim Mien suffer'd another Transformation when he chanced to raise his Eyes and see the Halfling standing upon the Table: a slow Flush spread across his Face, like unto the dim red Flare of Dawn louring sullen beneath the heavy Clouds of a winter's Morning. At this Sight we none of us doubted longer that the only Spell he lay under was that cast by the Halfling's Beauty. Slowly he drifted toward the Table, as if he were being pull'd by strong Ropes; and the whole Time he fix'd his Gaze upon the Halfling, scarce taking a Moment to glance at the Chair he was offer'd and sink into his Seat. He then press'd his Lips together and turn'd his Attention to the Floor. Yet his Resolution would not hold: he could not forswear all Thought of the dazzling Object above; and thus beneath lower'd golden Lashes his piercing Eyes rose to regard the Halfling steadily.

As for the Halfling, he endur'd his Situation with the Courage one might have expected; the ogling of the Gambling-master and the Attorney he regarded not at all, but the attentive Gaze of the Captain seem'd to trouble his bright Spirit; he met the Captain's Eyes and frown'd, as if not quite certain of the Nature of what he saw. And Madame, it seem'd to me of a Sudden, as the one regarded the other fully and at Leisure for the first Time, that in these Faces so very different there was nevertheless a strange Likeness, not of Feature, but of Manner. For a Moment I found myself feeling some Sympathy with those Ladies, who felt the Captain not wholly unworthy of the Loveliness he desir'd.

To this Interchange the other Members of Company seem'd utterly oblivious. "Welcome, Gentlemen, all!" cried Mr. Peters, bustling round the Table to distribute the few poor Refreshments we Ladies had been able to supply upon such short Notice: viz., several Bottles of a fine full-bodied Wine, a roast Leg of Lamb well season'd with Rosemary, a mix'd green Salad dress'd with savory Oil, and a large Basket of Crumpets serv'd with sweet cream Butter and Honey. The Gambling-master and the Attorney rooted most eagerly thro' ev'ry Dish set before them. Yet despite the repeated Urgings of his Host, the Captain took only a Glass of Wine and a single Crumpet.

"Well then, Peters," quoth the Gambling-master, leering up at the Halfling with his Mouth quite full, "you promis'd us a Marvel, and I cannot say that you lied."

The Attorney speared a Slice of Lamb and tore off a large Chunk with his Teeth, twirling the gnaw'd Remainder absently upon his Knife as he chew'd. "Indeed," quoth he, "you have found a tempting Morsel for us. Were it widely known that such Creatures could be found wandering in the Wilds of Ithilien, methinks the good Captain's Soldiery would rid our Country of the Enemy in Three Days, so eager would they be to hunt down more such tender Bits at their Leisure." Most gleefully did he cackle at this Plan, whilst the rich Juices of the Meat dribbl'd down his Chin.

For his Part, the Captain offer'd no Commentary upon this Remark: not once did he tear his Eyes from the Halfling or in the least Respect stir from his Place. Yet with a Flourish too rapid for the untutor'd Eye to follow, he drew his Weapon, snagg'd a Napkin on the Point of his Sword, and held it to the Attorney's Throat. "Sir," quoth he in a Tone of even Courtesy, "permit me to present you with this curious Accessory, one commonly to be Found at the Tables of the well-bred; you may find it useful at present."

An awkward Silence ensued, for the Captain's Action, while ostensibly undertaken in the blameless Spirit of Civility and good Will, was nevertheless as terrifying as aught we ever had seen. The Sword glitter'd in the Candlelight; Mr. Peters stood back upon his Heels; the Attorney trembl'd like an ill-set Pudding in a strong Wind.

"Sir," quoth Mr. Peters at last, in a Voice less Steady than usual, "will you have some Sweetening with your Crumpet?" Without waiting for an Answer, he held forth a large Container for the Captain's taking, and tho' the Captain succeeded in accepting this Offering in his left Hand whilst retaining his Sword with his right, he could hardly, in a polite Company, retain a threatening a Posture when encumber'd with a large Jar of Honey.

Thus Peace was restor'd: the Attorney pluck'd the Napkin from the Captain's Sword and tuck'd it beneath his Chin like a Bib, while the Captain, still gazing deep in the Halfling's Eyes, with a Flick of his Wrist flipp'd his mighty Weapon end over end and sheathed it completely a single smooth Motion. The Halfling took a deep Breath, as if there were not enough Air to be had in the Room, but did not otherwise move or speak.

No doubt Mr. Peters felt that the Moment was a propitious one to begin the Business of the Evening, for he struck smartly at a Glass with his Fork. "Gentlemen!" cried he, "You see before you a Commodity so rare that its Like is not to be had in all of Gondor."

"'Never a truer Word was spoken," quoth the Gambling-master, "for there's been neither Hide nor Hair of a Virgin in Osgiliath for these Five Years and More, unless you count the Captain's bay Gelding, and mighty miserly has the Captain been with the Favours of that Animal, eh, Captain?"

At this polite Sally the Attorney snorted into his Wine, but as the Captain said Nothing, Mr. Peters seem'd to think it safe to proceed.

"Observe," quoth he, "the supreme Loveliness of this Creature, a Halfling of the North, a Creature of Legend mysteriously made real before our Eyes. Observe, Gentlemen, his Hair: how it curls, like . . . like . . . like Hair, like . . . indeed, I cannot say what it is like, for I have not the poetical Talents of some of the Ladies in my Employ. Perhaps one of them would care to provide a Description so crucial to the Interests of this House?"

At this Time he look'd hopefully from one Lady to the next, but not one seem'd dispos'd to accept his Offer; the Silence at his Words was so heavy with our Disapproval, that it seem'd to weigh upon the very Air. When after a few Moments it became clear that the rhetorical Burden rested squarely on his own Shoulders, Mr. Peters continued as best he could. "Observe," quoth he in a determin'd Tone, "his Eyes, which are" -- and here he paus'd to take a closer View of these Organs than he had hitherto done -- "which are blue; his skin, which is white, or rather primarily white, except for those Parts which are pinkish."

"Those are the best Parts," quoth the Gambling-master, "and I would see more of them."

"No additional Views of the Merchandise will be permitted," Mr. Peters declar'd, "until the Initial Bids have been made; I will not have such rare Goods paw'd over by those who have no Intention of making a Purchase."

"As to that," quoth the Attorney, "we can all see he's a pretty Creature enough. I'll start the Bidding and gladly too, just for the Sake of a closer Look." With that, he nam'd a Price, and one so high, that despite his tone of Nonchalance, he clearly meant to assert his Position as a serious Contender for the Prize.

You may evolve, Madame, some Idea of the Size of the Attorney's Bid, if you only consider how much a Customer might have paid to purchase ev'ry Lady and Youth in the House each Evening for five Years. The Gambling-master frown'd, and as for Mr. Peters, his Eyes widen'd, he stagger'd upon his Feet, and he was forc'd to cling to a nearby Chair for Support, so greatly did this first Bid exceed his Hopes. Nay, were Cupidity made Flesh and granted the Power to dream, and were he to drowse contented all the Day long upon a golden Throne, e'en he could scarce indulge such a Vision of Wealth as the Attorney dangl'd before us.

Thus provok'd, Mr. Peters could not prevent himself from emitting a sharp Yodel of Joy. This extraordinary Sound did much to preserve the Safety of the Company, for it detracted Attention from a Noise of frantick Struggling in the Corner where Sam was conceal'd, as well as a persistent Rattle at the Door of the bathing-Chamber, where Clarissa and Amelia evidently were engag'd in a bold Attempt to pick open the Lock. So loud was the Din from these Places that surely the Captain, a Soldier train'd to note the slightest Hint of Danger, would surely have notic'd them, were it not for Mr. Peters' fortuitous Cry as well as a Roll of Thunder from the Cloud over the Head of the Goat.

This last Phenomenon drew the Attention of all the Bidders, who regarded the Goat in Silence; the Attorney started in his Chair, while Captain Faramir rais'd an Eyebrow and turn'd his Gaze from the Halfling at last to regard the Goat most closely. Only the Gambling-master seem'd determin'd to take no particular Notice. "It looks like Rain," he remark'd, picking his Teeth with his Nails.

"Mr. Peters," quoth the Captain, "I hope you have not been experimenting with the Deceptions of the Enemy."

"Never, my dear Sir!" Mr. Peters exclaimed. "'Tis merely a new Dwarvish Device, one enabling a universal Lubrication in the Event of a sudden Orgy. I am grieved to say," he added, with a Smile at the Gambling-master, "that my Dwarvish Friends have made it available exclusively to Customers at my House: else, Sir, I should surely share the Secret with rival Establishments such as yours."

The Gambling-master merely sneer'd at this meaningless Courtesy. "Oh, we do well enough with ordinary Games of Chance," quoth he, "and need no Dwarvish Vices to turn an honest Profit in this City. It's I who can help you, Peters, by taking this straggling Creature off your Hands, since you plainly can ill afford his Maintenance yourself." And with that he nam'd a Price a third again Higher than the Attorney's.

All the Ladies gasp'd at once to hear such an Amount name'd, and Mr. Peters was for a Time quite bereft of Speech. As for the Attorney, he scowl'd fiercely at seeing his Prey thus snatch'd from his Hands. "You, Sir," quoth he, "are not the only one in this City with the Wit to find Prosperity in these lean Times." With that he slamm'd down his Glass, and tripled the Gambling-master's Price.

Mr. Peters let out Sound very like the Scream of a slaughter'd Deer, and so great was his Emotion, that he collaps'd upon a Couch, where several Ladies administer'd to his fainting Spirits by fanning his fever'd Brow and offering him a Glass of Brandy, which he down'd in a single Gulp of Disbelief. Once again a roll of Thunder shook the room; the Door to the Bathing-chamber rattled frantically, and the Bureau to which Sam had been ty'd rock'd so fiercely that it seem'd like to tip over. The Gambling-master glanc'd at the Cloud and shifted most uncomfortably about: but the Captain did Nothing, behaving as one perfectly unconcern'd with the Auction's Outcome.

"I believe," quoth the Attorney triumphantly, shouting over the Thunder to make himself heard, "that the Halfling is mine; for my Friend here -- " and he indicated the Gambling-master with a disdainful Wave of his Hand, "--hath only such Wealth as he has skimm'd from the poor Remains of common Soldiers' Pay. As for the Captain, he is of a mighty House, but all Gondor knows how little his Father thinks of him. He is thus naught but a mere private Soldier, and it is out of the Question that such a Person should have enough ready Money at his Disposal to cut a Figure at an Auction such as this. I am surpris'd, Mr. Peters, that you permitted him to attend; and I demand to know at once whether he will bid or no, since you have told us we are to see nothing more of the Merchandise until all who have wish'd to bid have done so."

"Nay," quoth the Captain.

We all waited in Suspense for him to elaborate upon this succinct Remark, but he remain'd Silent, staring at some invisible Point perhaps three or four Feet from where he sat.

"Nay?" quoth the Attorney at last. "Nay what? Nay, you have the money to bid, or Nay, you have it not?"

"Sir," cried one of the younger Ladies, "you have by no Means exhausted the logical Possibilities. For your Statement contain'd many Parts to which the Captain may be responding in the Negative. He may have meant: Nay, a Soldier can bid at an Auction; or Nay, the Gambling-master hath some other source of Wealth; or Nay, Mr. Peters set out no such Rule for the Bidding; or Nay, the Captain's Father loves him dearly . . ."

"Silence, Girl," quoth the Attorney, "you know not of what you speak, particularly in that last Matter."

"Sir, 'tis true," cried she, "we know it to be the Case; for the Captain's Brother, who oft frequented this House, hath many Times told us so . . ."

"Peters," snapp'd the Attorney, "you must teach your ---------s to hold their Tongues; no one likes to hear a ---------- chatter as he ----------s her."

We all look'd at Mr. Peters, who in the Past had never permitted a Customer to make such a Remark in the House, but he merely stirr'd and look'd most unhappily at the Captain; while the Girl, who was no older than Sixteen, hung her Head and drew back to the Comfort of her Friends.

The Captain rose at last, causing the Attorney to sit back in Fear; but the Captain merely pour'd another Glass of Wine, walk'd to the Girl, and presented it to her with a Bow. "I meant," quoth he, turning back to the Table, "that there is in this very Room enough Wealth to make me a Bidder if I so choose, for the Spoils of Battle you see stor'd here, are worth more than all the Attorneys in this City put together."

At this Time Mr. Peters made the sort of Moan that we Ladies were accustom'd to hear from a Man under different Circumstances entirely: he shudder'd and wheez'd; his Face ooz'd Sweat from ev'ry Pore; his Eyes were glaz'd and slightly cross'd. Greatly we fear'd that this excess Stimulation would be more than his weak Faculties might bear, and totter his Reason from its already somewhat shaky Throne.

To all among us it seem'd that the next Instant would bring the Bid that would send the trembling Mr. Peters into the uttermost Empyrean of fulfill'd Avarice, as well as condemn the Halfling to at least one Evening in the Captain's Arms. But before the Captain could name his Price, a clear Voice spake into the Silence, and to our Surprise we realiz'd that 'twas the Halfling himself. "Sir," quoth he, addressing the Captain, "that Money, I believe, is not yours to spend. 'Tis held by you in the publick Trust: or it should be, if the mighty Gondor of which I have heard so much is govern'd by those Principles of Justice that it claims to defend."

The Captain strode toward his bold Interlocutor and stood before him with folded Arms; the Halfling stood his ground, or rather his Table, meeting the Captain's fierce Glare without in the least Flinching. "So," quoth the Captain, "it seems that you can speak, tho' your Words perchance are not so Fair as your Person. Tell me, Halfling, would you prefer to be purchas'd by one of these Gentlemen here? If so, I instantly quit all Title to you."

"Mind him not, Sir!" cried Mr. Peters; "'tis against all Order and Decorum for a mere Item such as himself to Dictate the Price to be paid for him; only fancy what Chaos would ensue if this Privilege were extended to a Joint of Beef or a Bolt of Cloth. Such a Practice would create such uncertainty among Merchants, that it would at once bring all Commerce in this Country to an immediate Halt. Permit me to explain to you some few of the simple Principles upon which our capitalist Oeconomy dependeth. The Price of a Good or Service, my dear Sir, is determin'd by six Factors, to wit . . ."

"Mr. Peters," quoth the Captain, without turning from the Halfling for a Moment, "of your Courtesy, I would hear the Halfling speak." And we all of us could hear in his Words a great Longing, like one who for many Months hath fought in the Dark without the sound of a lov'd Voice to cheer his brave but desperate Heart. Mr. Peters was utterly silenced, and the Halfling seem'd troubled for the first Time since the Auction began. "Well?" quoth the Captain. "This Attorney hath bid a goodly Price: shall it stand? The Choice, Sir, is your own."

"Sir," quoth the Halfling, "I should infinitely prefer not to be purchas'd by either of the Gentlemen who have bid. But to permit myself to be purchas'd by you, would be to do you a great Wrong."

"To do me a wrong?" quoth the Captain with a puzzl'd Frown. "What possible Wrong can you do to me?"

"Sir," quoth the Halfling. "These Spoils are entrusted to you by your Country. You are a good Man; I have seen too few of those upon my Journey. I would not have you foreswear yourself."

To this Remark the Captain offer'd no Response whatever, but gaz'd upon the Halfling thoughtfully.

"Enough of this!" growl'd the Attorney at last. "Sir, tell us whether you will bid, or no; the Hour is late, and this Matter hath taken up quite enough of my Time, with scarce even any Refreshment to repay my Pains in attending." And to emphasize this Complaint, he stack'd his Plate with some five or six Crumpets, slather'd them with Butter, and most impolitely reach'd quite across the Table for Honey to sweeten the Dish: a gross Violation of the Rules of Courtesy, Madame, that I urge you under all Circumstances to avoid.

The Halfling paid no Mind to this Greed, but look'd at the Captain gravely. "Sir," quoth he, "if what these Ladies hath told me of you be true, then surely . . ."

"For how long must we listen to the prattle of the Creature we have come to buy?" the Attorney demanded with great Impatience. "Hoy, Halfling! Make yourself useful, and sweeten my Crumpets at once!" With that, he hurl'd the Jar of Honey in the Halfling's Direction; a Breach of Decorum less welcome, if possible, in polite Company than the one I have previously noted.

For at any Gathering with the least Pretension to Civility, it is perchance the last Thing expected by any Person in Attendance, that a large Porcelain Jar should be flung at his Head; least of all one fill'd quite to the Brim with a sticky Substance that might spill at any Time, no matter how quickly and cleverly the startl'd Guest should snatch from the Air the Jar in Question. Just such a Disaster happen'd in this Case. To our great Relief, the Halfling caught the Jar before it could strike his Skull; but as he struggl'd to balance it in his Arms, it slid almost thro' his Grasp and tipp'd over, pouring a thick Stream of Honey down his Neck and Chest.

To understand what next occur'd, Madame, you must try to envision the fair Halfling just as he appear'd before us. There he stood, his Clothing much dishevell'd; his Hair falling in tangl'd Curls about his Face and Neck, his fair Skin dimmed by the flickering Candlelight to a thousand Shades of dusky Rose. He spake no Word of Protest at his Situation, yet with each Affront to his Dignity his delicate Nostrils flar'd, and his Chest, expos'd by a Shirt that lay open nearly half-way to his Waist, heav'd with a scarce-suppress'd Compound of Anger and Fear.

It is to this Picture of Beauty at Bay, Madame, that you must add the Idea of the Honey, which at once bath'd the Air of all the Room in its Scent: an Essence of Sweetness that brought to Mind a Field thick with blooming Clover warmed by the midsummer Sun. Inexorably the Liquid poured down the tense Cords of the Halfing's Neck; yet for a Moment it pooled in the soft shadow'd Hollow at the base of his Throat, where it gathered and swelled to a Mass of dark Gold. There for several Instants it clung, yet not for long; for the warm Skin beneath it stirr'd with the Halfling's startled Gasps. At length then it spill'd forth and pour'd down the his panting Breast, until each Contour of his soft Flesh was both cover'd and reveal'd by a glittering Sheen of pale Gold.

With a cry of Dismay the Halfling gaz'd down upon the lovely Scene of this Accident. He hastily bent to put the Jar down upon the Table, then stood and sought some Way to prevent the Honey's further Progress down his trembling Form. But so widely had this Liquid spread upon his heated Skin, that when he trail'd his index Finger up his Chest, the sole discernable Result of this Experiment was to drive a thick Mass of Honey up his Finger to the soft Crease where it met his Thumb.

At this Time the Captain made some Sort of a Noise, perchance somewhere between a Choke and a Cough; the Halfling look'd at him with some Perplexity, as if he would make some Excuse for his Condition. But before he could speak a Drop of Honey fell from his Finger to the Floor. Instinctively he plung'd the dripping Finger into his Mouth all the Way to the Base, closed his soft Lips about it, and slowly, with a scarce conscious Sigh of Pleasure, drew it out again: taking great Care, with busy Lips and Tongue and Teeth, to remove the last Trace of Liquid when he withdrew the Finger completely with a soft wet Sound.

"Mmmm," quoth he, and for an instant he clos'd his Eyes, and swallow'd.

At this Time there was a Thump from the Back of the Room, for the Goat had collaps'd in a dead Faint.

But before the Halfling could turn to take Note of this Incident, he open'd his Eyes to find the Captain's staring into his own, and somewhat in the burning Gaze of the Man before him made it impossible, it seem'd, for him to look away. Beneath the Coat of Honey the Skin of the Halfling's Chest darken'd; slowly this Flush spread upward along the same Path that the Honey had taken: up his Chest, up his Throat, up at last to his Face, until there glowed in his Cheeks a colour near as Dark as red Wine spill'd careless upon the Floor of a Feast.

From this profound Blush the Halfling was startl'd by a sudden Noise: for we all of us distinctly Heard Sam struggling once more to be freed from his Confinement. The Halfling's Eyes widen'd at once into an Expression of the most profound Alarm, as well they should have. For who knows what Fate Sam might suffer at the hands of the infatuated Captain, were he to be reveal'd?

Fortunately the Captain seem'd far too absorb'd in the Spectacle presented by the Halfling to pay Mind to any extraneous Noise, however deafening that Noise might have seem'd to a third Party. He open'd his Lips, yet made no Remark; he clear'd his Throat, try'd again, and at last in a low Voice spake. "Sir," quoth he, "You have been the Victim of a most unfortunate Accident."

"Sir," quoth the Halfling, "I have."

"Sir," quoth the Captain, "will you permit me to assist you?"

"Sir," quoth the Halfling, "you may."

Throughout this hastily muttered Colloquy the Pair spoke as Two wholly involv'd in some Phantasy, tho' whether that Phantasy was the Same in each Case is a most intriguing Question. They were young, Madame, and both made for Love; a Love they had been depriv'd of for far too long. The Halfling had for two-and-thirty Years pin'd for such Love in Vain; a most attractive Object stood before him; and he knew well, too, that this Man must at all Costs be distracted from the frantic Noises Sam was making.

As for the Captain, he was Subject to the Temptation presented by the fair Halfling, a Temptation made by the Honey well-nigh irresistible to any created Being not Dead from the Waist down. So overcome did he seem by some powerful Motion of the Soul, that Place, Occasion, and Company became to him as Nothing; indeed, he scarce seem'd to know who or what he was. Here in this strange Place, a Chain of Circumstance had thrown a dazzling Creature in his Path in such a Way that Nature could no longer be denied, but must burst thro' the Restraints of Reason as cold Steel will annihilate a Tissue of Cobwebs and Dust.

It was perhaps this Confluence of Reasons that explains what happen'd next. For the Captain, ignoring the Ladies' Cries of Protest and the Attorney's Yowl of jealous Rage, deliberately stepp'd forward and repeated the Experiment the Halfling had made, but with more Force. Reaching round with one Arm, he spread a mighty Hand across the Halfling's back to steady him, then from the Front drove one Finger up the Halfling's Chest, lingering slow and hard over many Places beneath the Cloth of his Shirt: hard, yet not, surely, so hard as to cause Pain, tho' from the Way the Halfling gasp'd and cried out, one might have thought Otherwise. But nay: 'twas some Sensation other than Pain that twisted the Halfling's Features, that made him close his Eyes and bite at his Lip and shudder. For when the Captain murmur'd low in his Ear, Nay, look at me, he by no means struggled, but flutter'd open his Eyes in some Confusion, as if unsure what Being this was who subjected him to a Sensation so strangely combining Torment with Pleasure.

His Lips parted, but nothing came forth but a Moan, and when the Captain held up to them a Honey-drench'd Finger, the Halfling sighed, clos'd his Eyes once more, and bent his Head. For a Moment he frown'd and hesitated, as if there were somewhat he would remember; but at a Noise of gentle Urging from his Partner, he reach'd up with both Hands to hold the Captain's Wrist, and took the Finger into his Mouth.

Now it was the Captain's turn to Shudder, tho' Pain once more was out the Question: and when after a Moment the Captain made as if to withdraw from a Pleasure that he would soon lose all Power to resist, the Halfling held to his Wrist fiercely and suckled at the Finger. All Pretence thus ended before it began; gently the Captain mov'd his Hand in a slow but unceasing Rhythm as the Halfling's Mouth pulsed tight about him, until at last the Captain could not forbear increasing the Motion a Touch too quickly for his Partner to keep Pace; the Halfling made a soft choking Sound, and the Honey overflow'd to stain his swollen Lips.

Too fast? murmur'd the Captain, and with that he shook his Wrist free and withdrew the Finger to attempt to Clear away the sweet Liquid, yet he succeeded at first only in spreading it further about. Thus he began to pull his Hand away entirely: but when this drew forth a Cry of Protest from the Halfling, he found, it seems, that he could not Deny his charming Partner any Thing, tho' they still stood before all the Company.

Thus he shifted one Hand to tangle in the Curls at the back of the Halfling's Neck, while with the other he pull'd the Halfling to him and gaz'd upon him fiercely. Whatever the Captain saw in his lovely Partner, it gave him no Cause to withdraw. Their Lips touch'd; brush'd gently one against the other; the Captain started back half a Breath, and lick'd from his own Lips the Sweetness that had come from the Halfling's.

Once more the Captain paus'd to Gaze upon the Loveliness beneath him; once more he saw Nothing in that fair Face but Surrender and Need: for with a Growl of pure Want the Captain abruptly flex'd his Fingers in the Halfling's Curls and kiss'd him hard and deep, quickly plundering that sweet Mouth with Lips and Tongue, then bending to ravish ev'ry Part of the silken Flesh within his Reach, planting Kisses and Bites down the Halfling's Throat and leaving a trail of red Marks ev'ry Place his hungry Lips had touch'd.

"Oh," cried the Halfling, as soon as his own Lips were free, "oh . . ." -- but he could not finish: with Eyes still clos'd, he toss'd his Head back and forth as if in some Trance or Dream of Bliss. His Curls flew across his Face with each wild unbounded Motion; his Skin was beaded with Sweat. For a Time he did nothing but moan sweet Incoherencies: but when the Captain closed his Teeth in the soft Flesh just beneath the Halfling's Ear, he could no longer be silent, but cried, "Oh, oh, oh, . . ."

The next Word would surely be a Name, tho' which Name that would be, we none of us could tell. His Voice trail'd off then to scarce more than a Whisper that could be heard by none but those who stood nearest: Oh, murmured he.

Oh . . .

§ § §

Madame, I deeply regret to say that I must hastily finish this Letter, tho' it is most distressing to be forced to do so at this particular Juncture. Only imagine, Madame, our Suspense, as we wonder'd what Name the Halfling might say: for if, during his Congress with the Captain, he thought only of his Sam, then he would preserve both his Virtue and the Captain's Life. But if he fail'd in this Task, then not only would the Captain fall Victim to the Curse of Ulmo, but I greatly doubt that either Sam or the greater Part of the Ladies would ever forgive the fair Halfling for such a Lapse in his Concentration.

Much as it grieves me to leave such a Question unanswer'd, I fear I have no Choice, for I am inform'd by my Servants that our House hath been quite surrounded by Orcs. Whilst these former Servants of the Enemy are no longer so dangerous as they were in the Days of my Youth, they are still capable of much Damage, for they are much in the Habit of holding loud Parties, consuming all the Food in a House, and leaving their Laundry for others to do. (2) Thus am I compell'd to arm myself swiftly and discover what it is that they Require. If, Madame, I should by some unfortunate Chance be kill'd, or forc'd to listen to their Musick and thus driven Mad, please give my fondest regards to your dear Mother, and assure her that, even beyond the Grave, I shall ever remain,

Your most obedient humble Servant,

Maria-Susannah

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Letter the Sixth [final letter, posted in two parts]

Notes

1. This form of sexually transmitted illness was known among men and dwarves as the "Elvish Disease," among Elves as "the Dwarvish Disease," among Orcs as "Shelob's Revenge," and among the Rohirrim as "and you keep away from that stallion next time, young man, that's not what he's for." Back to story

2. For thousands of years Middle-earth struggled with the problem of what to do with the large Orc population remaining after Sauron's defeat. The crisis was not completely resolved until the early twentieth century, when the orcs were shipped to America and housed on college campuses in special buildings marked with Greek letters. Here they were successfully mainstreamed; contributing a great deal to charity, participating in organized sports, and eventually interbreeding with the human population. Back to story

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Letter the Sixth [final letter, posted in two parts]